march 30

i've read quite a few stuff. i also remember some stuff i've learned way before. i've read that one way to build a self esteem is to create stuff. one person has told me to write affirmations to myself and read it everyday. i read other places, to replace negative self talk with positive sekf talk.. to take care of & treat yourself. master a skill. exercise.

at first i thought to myself that the positive self affirmation list thing was pathetic. but then i thought to myself, what's more pathetic, writing & reading nice things to yourself or just saying bad things to/about yourself all the time in your head? i think the negative one is truly the pathetic one. i catch myself doing it a lot. so i think i do want to give the whole "write positive affirmations and read them" a try,, it sounds like something where only good could come out of that.

i've always been a *creative* person growing up and until now. as a little kid it was either painting, drawing, fashion.. as I grew older, i leaned towards singing, writing, creating/editing videos or photos, fashion + makeup.. but i never payed attention to how good it really feels when you create something. from researching and also experimenting, i was reminded that. these past two days i spent messing with this music app called garageband. if you really tried you can straight up make music with it. when i first ever used it i had no idea what to do.hell, i still am learning; i've never been a full on musician, i've only dabbled a little with instruments, but singing + music is a passion of mine. so only good can come out of this experimenting. so far i've made two little short tunes with my vocals added n some effects. when i made it sound a way that i wanted n once i finished, i felt so.. proud & happy. and its safe to say that i rarely ever feel proud, or happy. so.. that little article was right. creating stuff did help boost the self esteem...

march 29

i am still trying to accept myself. people also say, "how could anyone accept you if you cannot accept yourself?" but i find myself still struggling. some hours of the day, i'm like, woo, fuck it, i'm me, i can't change that, who cares?" the next few hours i just hate myself and obsess over that hate. fuck.

ok. ok. i keep telling myself that i'm gonna do something different, that i'm going to make a positive change in my life *at a time; patience is key*. i did read a little about "how one can raise their self esteem", but i truly am the type of learner where if i just read about it and write about it, i might forget it. i have to really try something/dedicate to something/apply it to my life in order to really learn/see what it's like. writing, yes, it helps me remember, but only when i read it back. what better way to help me remember something than by actually feeling it?

that being said, i think i'm going to have to set some guidelines/goals for myself. i'm gonna try looking some up to get ideas from. ,

march 25

they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

where i'm from, everyone's obsessed with it, and if you don't meet up to their standards, well, you are just "ugly".

i grew up being really ugly. i still feel really ugly. i wish that i could fix a lot about myself. i cannot tell if i have body dysmorphia or not, because i genuinely just believe that i am not good to look at. i mean, why else have i been treated so badly?

people might mistreat "ugly" people, for whatever asshole reason. but the truth is, even pretty people are treated badly.

everyone's a shitshow. so what?

personally, i don't feel the need to meet up to anyone's standards, or society's. i just feel the need to meet my own.

i don't like my teeth, for example. i don't like my face. i don't really have a problem with my body, my body isn't model perfect and slim or anything, but, it doesn't bother me. i still want to lose some weight just to get rid of the little imperfections but i don't hate myself over it.

it's just my face i don't like. i wish that i could accept myself already. or, i wish that i could just transform.

the few things that i hate that comes out of people when it comes to vanity is shallowness, shallow judgment, envy, nastiness, mistreatment, lack of any depth or understanding and ironically, all of those things just makes them truly ugly.

If beauty is n the eye of the beholder, then so is ugliness. And to me I find it ugly when I see people around me, pointing out, talking about how people look, if they're pretty if they're not, if they're this or that, mistreating people with hurtful words/actions just for their appearance, or even judging them by their name.

i just feel disgusted to see such things. i can't believe the shallowness i witness all the time within my own family.

that's just another thing that i feel like separates me from them. i like to be open-minded. non-judgmental. understanding. and somehow they think it's okay to be judgmental, because that's just "having high standards". It's like, yeah, have whatever standards you want, but, being non-judgmental doesn't mean my standards are low. And I'm not talking about looks-wise, I'm talking standards when it comes to what I would accept for myself in regards to my selfworth. Uh, no. I just like my open mind, thank you. I hate that they've made me feel so.. nothing. I'm not nothing. I'm me. And I can't wait until I separate from them all to further develop my own identity instead of just being here on the sidelines.

What is beauty to me? It's kindness. It's passion. It's taking care of yourself and others who are good to you, connecting, helping, & comfort.

..I'm not sure why I went on this whole rant. This page was supposed to be for me to write about my ongoing journey to transforming myself into the person I want to be to work on developing my self-love/self-worth/self-esteem. For a long time, and it's hard to say but I still, I still feel hate for myself. But I want to try to let that go and go towards good. It's hard when everyone around you has crippled your self-esteem during your sensitive years to suddenly trying to be a confident person who accepts themselves. That's why I wanna write about it and keep track. i am going to be researcbing ways one can restore themselves, sharing it, sharing my experiences. i don't know if this will help anybody but if it does i'd be so glad. <3