diary

august 20th 2019 11:56 pm

health issues

i legit think i have diabetes i've been having all the symptoms and i'm scared and so embarassed. i don't know how mercury likes me. i'm like 30 pounds overweight. i'm not even surprised if i am diabetic, my diet has been trash since as long as i can remember and i never liked to work out. i'm so fucked. my mom's setting me an appointment to get checked out. she's praying i don't have it in general but all my symptoms line up; increased thirst out of nowhere, like 24/7, frequent peeing, fatigue/tiredness/weakness... it all adds the fuck up, i'm just praying it's type 2 and not type 1, and that my doctor isn't an asshole who'll lie about my health so that we'd have to spend hundreds of dollars on insulin. man fuck the guy who made insulin so expensive. fuck, you. i'm so embarassed of this i'm not telling a single soul about this if i am. only you guys know now. i'm too ashamed to be able to share about this. i had an old friend who had diabetes and all of our friends would make fun of it. he must be so strong to be able to openly admit it. i feel like such an asshole. i just wanna cry. i'm done eating junk i'm legit going to start eating better and working out. this was such a wake up call. this is gonna be difficult considering i've been sedentary for pretty much my whole life. it just makes me wonder though, i've had bigger friends than me, how haven't they gotten diabetes ? why this, why this now ? right when i'm about to start school ... ii'm so fucked and ashamed.. :'(

2:16 am

it's hard for me to sleep right now considering my situation. my mind can't stop thinkin'. i really might have this life-threatening disease and it's made me rethink everything; like, how badly i want to reach my goals; which is to own a cottage house, be a writer, publish a book, make music/sing.. meet julian casablancas. it's made me realize how limited time really is and now it's making me wonder whether or not i'll even get to these goals; either way it's what i'm gonna shoot for in this life as well as i want to make healthier life choices. it also has made me rethink everything even before this whole diabetes thing, i was thinking the other day.. i have hurt so many people. some without my intention to hurt them, some with my intention to hurt them. in fact i think i've hurt everyone i've ever known. not on purpose most of the time, but either way, i have.. i've caused so much damage and then i wonder why everyone hates me. i'm tired of being mad all the time i'm tired of hating people. life is too short to be mad all the time and filled with hate. yeah, i've been wronged. badly. but i like to believe it's made me stronger. life is so much more than the pain we suffer through. life IS suffering but that doesn't mean we need to let it tear us down.. i.. i wanna change my ways, i wanna be more nice, i wanna be less angry all the time., i'm sorry to everyone i've ever hurt. i'm so fucking sorry

i don't know how mercury loves me, i've been such trash... but i really wanna just change my ways. i won't care about the bad that people think of me i'm trying here and i'm willing to open up and be more kind and helpful and healthy and sufficient and mature and reliable.. you know there's been a few times where i try to remember any good thing i've done for people and sometimes it's hard for me to think of anything because i keep to myself way too much even in situations where i'm ABLE to help sometimes i just rather mind my own business. but i wanna help. i wanna do some good even if it's as little as letting someone know they're nice

my chest/heart hurts uh oh i'm scared i hope it's just from me stressing..

August 15th 2019 9:21 pm

wow lol

fuck my last post, everything went to shit because my mom didn't have gas,, i asked her for ONE thing, ONE fucking thing, i was stupid to believe in her for another fucking time, stupid to believe things would go the way they were supposed to, stupid to believe her when she said she'd sleepover the night before and then take me to get back to school clothes after i got re-enrolled, she told me at 10 pm the night before then at 2 am that she was coming and she never did come until 11 am, 2 hours before the meeting, and she shows up with little to no fucking gas to the point her car would shut off if she turned it on at this point, she fucking obviously stayed out all night doing god knows what being with god knows who and wasted all her fucking gas and fucked me over really badly man fuck her, this was the most important thing to me and now it's been thrown out the window because she doesn't know how to be responsible or be a good parent, i don't even have a fucking phone to call the school again and TRY and BEG for them to accept me still, it's probably too fucking late for that now, fuck her man, i fucking hate everything, nothing can ever go right !1 i can't ever be happy, can i ????? if i could re-enroll myself i would've but no i HAD to bring a fucking parent. i was willing to try i was really willing to be good, only for it all to fuck up, fuck this fuck it all to hell i slept all day from being depressed from this i haven't eaten food is the last thing on my mind i just really wanted this to happen and now she's made it 10000x harder for me, fucking christ, my parents are fucking retarded irresponsible selfish and narcissistic children who don't give a fuck about anything else that doesn't benefit them. i needed this i fucking needed her and she let me down for the 2654642262722y6th fucking time. im so done with the both of them they're both fucking dumb and they've both fucked up their lives and i'm left to suffer from it because they don't know what it is to sacrifice for the btter of their children if a truck fucking hit them in the face with it. fuck them both why is everythin always made so much harder for me.is this what i deserve ???? maybe it's what i deserve ???? what am i being punished for.

august 13th, 2019 11:23 pm

things are getting better !!

dear diary,

woww i don't remember writing about anything positive but i can honestly say that i feel happy. mercury & i have been hanging out so much,, we've hung out for 6 days straight day and night. it's been so fun. we went to santa monica beach, stayed at a hotel with his family for a night, went swimming, walked around, got boba at this place called bobasaur hehe clever.. been watching the 100, listening to music, talking. i mean the night we stayed at the hotel things got a BIT heated but never lead anywhere completely and i want to keep it that way i don't want to have sex unless we get together. we went to the beach at midnight and the sky was PITCH BLACK. it was beautiful, scary, captivating, probably the most amazing thing i've ever seen.... i've never seen the sky so black.. i's like the more we walked towards the shore the more we were walking into the void. we laid there for a bit but had to leave due to patrol. either way.. it was unforgettable. i couldn't believe what i was seein'.

i need to go with my mama to get re-enrolled for school, thursday at 1:30. i'm transferring to the school next door. it's filled with bad kids and i know some people who go there, therefore i'm nervous. i mean.. one of my past flings goes there, my toxic ex best friend goes there and my toxic ex boyfriend goes there. this ex boyfriend wasn't just any ex boyfriend. he.. he did unspeakable things to me. like,, sexually force himself upon me, did something i'd nevr agree to sober when i was blackout drunk. even before that incident he was abusive emotionally. i didn't start going to parties until after that incident to try to cope because he was never sorry. he turned into a monster since, hes never been the same. he's.. disgusting and i wouldn't mind if he died right now or tomorrow. i tried to forgive him, i did. people always say you need to forgive for the better of yourself but, i believe that sometimes, it's okay to not forgive, sometimes it's alright to know our boundaries and recognize our enemies, who do not deserve such a thing as forgiveness. then again, maybe if i were to forgive him he'd die of guilt. i don't know with him. alls i know is the last time i seen him he was a "man" (if i could even call him that,, more like bitch) who had nothing to lose and it scared me how much worse he became.

mercury helped me clean my room today. i really appreciate it :')) my room feels so much nicer now.. thank you <3

i didn't mind hanging with him for almost a week straight because , just like him, i wanted to have as much fun as i can before school starts and we can't see each other as much. he's gonna start college n be drowned in work, n i have a lot of catching up to do with school. but i'm determined. whatever it takes. i want it. i stopped going to school before because my dad messed with my mind, he scared me to death, i've never felt such fear, it led me to do nothing for days. he took any motivation i had in me. and when i said recently i was gonna start going, he said "yeah right". i wanna do this for me and i also wanna prove him wrong. i need something to fight for, to help me keep going, to helpme not give up. and that something is me. i used to never put myself first.. always cared about everyone else around me before me, which just led them to take advantage and walk all over me. rookie mistake. i'm looking out for myself and myself only; besides a select few of people i care about. but i'm so tired of carrying or being affected by my parents' problems. i need to put myself on the top of my priorities for once just like everybody else. call me selfish, i don't care. i know i'm not. i know i'd do anything for those i care about. but i can't neglect myself , i can't neglect myself anymore. i got this. and mann so much good music has been playing on my switch !! uno by muse is playing right now. it's niceeee.

goodnight, diary readers. i'm gonna relax, prepare myself for thursday.. plan is after my mama enrolls me on thursday she'll take me to get clothes for school. i'm excited ! it starts thursday but i most likey start friday since thursday is when i'm gettin' enrolled. things are looking up ,i feel good, loved, grateful and, i'm learning things. learning how to begin looking out for myself and trying for myself as much as i can. i can do it i believe

mercury is so sweet now. do i even deserve this ? is it okay for me to accept this ? he's helped me so much .. i.. i'm really glad things are the way they are.. i don't want it to go away.. honestly he's the one who really helped motivate me to keep going.. i appreciate his love.. i .. i love him, i love him so much for being the way he is.

august 6th 2019, 1:29 pm

to be completely fucking honest

man, i can wholeheartedly 100% with all of my gut and soul say:

FUCK my family. FUCK family. blood doesn't mean SHIT

i sound like an edgy rebellious teenager and when i was younger i was made to believe that's all i was. out of control, the bad one, even though i always had the best grades at school and best behavior; i was the bad one in the family for some fucking reason. because i'd act out whenever, i don't know, my sister would continiously bully & abuse me into cutting myself at 10 years old because i literally wanted to die than go through what she was putting me through for no valid reason, maybe because my mom would never defend me when it came to my siblings, only my father did; maybe because they all hated my father since he was abusive as well so they'd all take it out on me, since me & my siblings have different fathers. maybe because i was shamed for who i was just for the mere fact of who my father was, which is FUCKING OBVIOUSLY out of anyone's control.

i fucking hate them all dude my family's always been retarded the only ones i have a heart for is my mother since she has a sympathetic and selfless side and my brother since he had a fair side and he got me into video games since a little girl but they've all wronged me at some point. i was pushed down only to be kicked down even more by my oldest sister. she was a horrible person to everyone not just me but everyone, fucking ruthless heartless bitch yet she gets to have a happily ever after life now with everything she wanted, an older son and a daughter soon after. man, fuck you andrea for all the shit you put me through you unapologetic bitch i hope karma gets you when you least fucking expect it, i didn't deserve what you put me through, your dad not being in your life doesn't even excuse it dude you can't excuse your wrath from something someone did to you and taking it out on someone else who had nothing to do with it. and fuck you dad for being such a fucking dumbass, i know it's because of what you went through but fuck you for not being able to see how wrong you are fuck you for not changing all these years fuck you for being such a fucking asshole and never apologizing for everything you cause i kinda wanna kill you so i can put us both out of our miseries, you from your trauma that you take out on everyone else and me from the trauma you've put me & everyone else through. my family hated me because of you. because you never knew how to fucking act right. stop asking for me to do shit for you or help you when you can't even fucking support me wanting to go back to school. all you do to the people around you who should love you is you damage them, abuse them, belittle them, then mock them for their dreams and goals. meanwhile you're just getting old and still staying miserable with the same fcking job and the same shitty memory due to your heavy drinking because you don't have the BALLS to face your fucking problems. because you don't care to get better. always calling me a "fucking idiot" no i'm not a fucking idiot just because i don't listen to you. you're always fucking wrong and if i'm a fucking idiot what does that say about you as a parent? i explain i want to go back to school and that my top prirority isn't to get a job like you said or "grow the fuck up" like you said , it's to FINISH MY EDUCATION which i've lagged on because of the TRAUMA you've been putting me through. then you have the fucking AUDACITY to say "yeah right"? instead of being supportive?? meanwhile you're failing the test for whatever the fuck your studying for to get a raise. FUCK your studying you're the T R U E F U C K I N G I D I O T you can't even spell right because you're always so drunk, just do us all a favor and drink your life away already you fucking piece of shit pig

dont fucking feel bad for me david i felt bad for you twice as much

...i'm fucked man,, thanks to my family i'm fucked

it's so hard to pick myself up but i'm all that i have...

august 5th 2019 5:56 pm

i felt like writing

one thing i hate about people who are really into movies and all is that they all have such fucking staring problems. i hate feeling watched,i ain't no movie. well, maybe my life is a movie sometimes.. then again we all have our little stories. but usually i don't like feeling eyes on me unless it's someone that i like & even then i tend to break my eye contact because it feels so imposing, like it's something i shouldn't be doing, like i'm breaking and entering on someone's privacy of some sorts. unless i'm reallyyy comfortable with them then that's when i don't break. i mean but usually i only keep my eyes on someone else's eyes when i wanna show them that i wanna screw them, ya know? i think my daze is too strong and sensual i can't just leave an impact on anyone's soul i come across with my attracting daggers for eyeballs (not to toot my own horn or anything. but usually it just takes a look from me and people know exactly what i'm sayin' or what i'm about. or sometimes, it's too powerful that it's misintepreted..)

i feel bad for hurting mercury the other day. we ended up talking about it, he was calm by then, and for some reason HE was the one apologizing. it really made me feel like shit. i guess i was just expecting the worst since when i used to be with him about 5 years ago he probably would've punched the wall behind me and yell or somethin'.. but he really has changed and i'm happy for that. the thing about him though is yeah he's nice but he also gives pretty creepy vibes... but what can you expect outta a lonely guy i'm not putting it against him. but anyway we're looking forward now. also i hate the fact that aqua & first(that's it i'm changing first's name to V because it sounds better and also he's vegan) was judging what happened when i don't even have a boyfriend n i kissed a stranger big whoop,, aqua and v got somethin' going on all the while aqua has a boyfriend & v & i hooked up & haven't said a word about it, i mean i haven't only because i don't wanna ruin anything but v is somethin' else.. dunno his intentions but basically neither of them got clean hands so they can't be talkin shit about me. if they bring it up one more time i'm gonna put them on blast.

did i mean to hurt mercury, no; do i regret kissing that cutie; hell no. in fact i wish i stayed kissing him longer. i wish i had a picture of him but over text he said he doesn't take pictures n that he ain't photogenic n that the only time i get to see him is real life. ah, i love it when a guy is lowkey.. you know, those guys who keep to themselves, usually a small circle of close friends, doesn't really care for social media, not many followers.. i find that super cute and secretive and personal it's nice. i asked him for his name. i'm still waitin'. not only am i curious just for the sake of knowin', but i wanna know what name to moan out when i touch myself & holy fuck i never said that out loud and yeah i know its weird,, as weird as it sounds i like to moan a guy that i like's name to help make me focus since my mind tends to drift literally everywhere else when i please myself, even unpleasant places that lurk inside my mind that i'd rather not focus on. and the last name i've been moaning for the past few months, well i haven't seen him much, he's stupid & he doesn't excite me.. but this guy at that one show.. he excites me. and i think it's cause how limited our kiss was. & how cute he was.. & how he was suckin' on my face wanting to kiss some more when i pulled away because i was what? feeling watched. but hey that unfortunately limited-time thing we had going between us.. it was hot

okay okay i'm getting sidetracked. the main reason why i wanted to write on here today is because for some reason i want to write about that night as if i'm writing a story. including writing about myself in third person perspective as stupid as that sounds because why the fuck not i wanna try something new i love to write. probably doing this so i can get a better grip on what really went down.. :

there she was, in the middle of her friends; v, mercury, aqua, spade. her straightened hair once pink now faded to rosegold with her black roots from the top blending in with the rest of it & a hopeful look on her face. she was in all black as per usual. wearing her favorite pair of black shorts, sneakers, top, and sweater. liquid eyeliner, brown lipstick on just her top lip & rosy-pink blush high on her cheeks was her signature look along with never wearing pants only shorts or skirts because she finds most pants uncomfortable, and also because she likes her legs. freckles spread across her face along with blinding highlight. that's luna.

the night was just starting. music blaring in someone's garage, crowd full of people with a little empty space in the middle for when people wanna jump in and run around, hitting and shoving each other, making people fall and then picking them back up; going along to the haunted melodies given off by the musicians' instruments.

she couldn't help but notice people's appearance more than usual. insane beautiful makeup, mohawks; even hairstyles where they'd form horns out of their hair with the help of some amazing hairspray. there was all kinds of people: punks, goths, ordinaries.. even an elder. even an adorable, big dog who was shown love by everyone. it was lovely.

"luna,"

mercury's eyes was always set on luna. she always had his attention, & always knew it; just pretended like she didn't. but it was obvious. he'd always be there, playing with her hands, making her laugh really hard, headbanging his long brown beautiful curls into her face, her getting a bit annoyed and trying to ignore it because she doesn't wanna be mean.. his weird, random humor that would always make the girls crack up at his own expense. his tall, lean build and those red & black sneakers, his grey vest with countless patches, his glasses n his crooked teeth. that was mercury.

then there was v. not as tall as mercury but with an overall big build. fit, lean as well due to the veganism; but just.. bigger in a certain way. still tall. light dark skin, long black hair. cute face. ultra nerd. what do mercury and v have in common? they both play instruments, play video games, watch anime. so they're both nerds. but there's something else about v. always the best at the games. always the winner in competitive ones. always has the new consoles, knows when new video games are comin', has a lot of knowledge in general about them. another thing? he argues too much & is too much of a know-it-all. it can get quite irritating. oh yeah and he's pretty edgy, but he's always been that way.

luna has always found nerds hot. i guess that explains her first two boyfriends.. & her last two.

aqua. a natural beauty. close friends with luna.

her beautiful dark skin, her pretty, long curly locks. hardly ever wears makeup. usually keeps her hair in a bun. her adorable septum ring piercing. it's hard to describe her style.. dark color pallette mixed with kahki or that certain green. pendulums, crystals, spirituality. edgy as well. artistic. she always tries so hard to keep a bland look on her face where you can never tell what she's thinking, and usually it works; but it's also easy for luna to break that straight face and even easier for mercury, with his goofy self and all. she has a tough surface but deep down she has this fragile side. very energetic. very quick to want to fight. loves action. all thanks to her aries in mars, i suppose.

then there's spade. he's most close with v. it's hard to describe this one. luna hasn't known him too much, only ever knew of him. he has a girlfriend who he's been with since 2015. he's cheated on her, too but they worked things out, apparently and are still staying strong. he's pretty chaotic. he just has a strong chaotic energy. which is weird, because when luna knew him, he was pretty shy and humble in middle school. but truthfully he is wild. and he stares at luna a lot. she doesn't know what it means but she can't help but stare back. he has black shoulder length straight hair split down the middle and it looks nice. light dark skin. his big, a bit bumpy nose that adds charm. leather jacket. in all black. something attractive about him that not many can quite put their finger on. but it's there. tiny build but that doesn't mean his strength isn't there. everyone thinks he has super strength.

"yeah?"
"let's play slide," mercury says.
"okay," luna goes along.
and so they were playing slide with their hands until it was one of them who lost.

usually at shows, luna & aqua tend to stay close together; like wrapping their arm around each other, leaning against one another, etc. almost looking like lesbians or err actually looking like lesbians to any stranger who'd seen. and they didn't mind. because then they'd be unbothered.

but luna, she loves to explore. she loves to meet new people. she loves to make connections, and put herself out there, out of her own wonders and curiosity. but any time she'd do that with mercury around, anytime he'd see her talking to some guy, he'd become possessive; wrapping his whole arm around her neck from behind her while she'd be in mid-conversation as if she was his to claim that way, like some kind of dog or toy.

and she hated it. she hates to feel restrained. she hates to feel as if she can be owned just like that. that kind of thing, it scares her away. she's only been made to feel okay being held down once. and suddenly, they didn't want her anymore. she feels as if she can never feel that way again. not purposely, but like she's unable to. whenever she feels trapped she subconciously does a dramatic gesture to show that she has run away and has been set free. that she cannot be tamed and that she refuses to be smothered & stuck in misery.

v and spade are pretty stuck-up & picky when it comes to the kind of music played at the shows. luna & mercury try to keep an open-mind. aqua, unable to tell. at some point at the show though, a guy was trying to pass by from behind. as he did, he stopped for a second to tell luna, "you're very beautiful." it flattered her and got her all blushy and humble. "thanks," then he walked away some more.

throughout the show, another guy tried to talk to her. he was big & didn't look like he belonged there. looked like he could even be her own father. "enjoying the show?" she nodded but didn't say much because she felt uncomfortable. "is this your first show?" she shook her head. "this is my first time going to a show like this." she mumbled then distanced herself, getting closer to her friends. that was one time she wished mercury noticed something happen.

but she remembered how that guy who called her beautiful looked like. she even thinks she's already had her eye on him before that. she's seen him across the yard, thought briefly to herself that he was cute, then went on to minding her own business. so for him to tell her that, it was a surprise to her. and she loves surprises.

he had light tan skin, dark sleaky straight hair, split down the middle and the length met a bit above his shoulders; the way his hair rested complimented his face. he had these cute puppy eyes; downturned at the ends, giving his eyes an adorable shape. an even cuter smile. dark t shirt, dark outfit in general. nice lips that had a shade to 'em, like pinkish reddish. he was short but of course she didn't mind, she never really minds the height she still found him super cute. it's hard for her to describe how he looked like since she's only seen him this one night.. but he was just.. really cute and, just her type.

suddenly she couldn't focus purely on the music. her eyes were wandering everywhere, looking for this man. while she was looking around, mercury had his eyes on her at times, would notice her attention is elsewhere, then go back to paying attention to the bands. at some point she locked eyes with another guy, though. he was really tall and big, and the two times their eyes locked; it felt personal. as if his soul felt touched. luna feels like she has that effect on people with her eyes. either they hook onto someone and lure them in, or they intimidate someone. either way, that wasn't her intention. but she knew it. she could tell.

v & spade went off and disappeared to go take a piss but no one knew why and where they went. that left mercury to wondering. ever since that guy called luna beautiful, though, she had been whispering to aqua about him. "he was cute," "i've been looking for him," "can i borrow your glasses so that i can try to find him?" due to her poor vision sharing almost the same prescription as aqua's. eventually she found him. at the same spot she saw him when glancing casually earlier.

seeing mercury worry over where his friends went let luna see the opportunity there was. she knew she couldn't leave her friend group without them looking for her. so she urged him into looking for them, and so he went. and as soon as he walked away, she made her way towards that certain guy.

as she made her way over there she also noticed the guy she locked eyes with following close by. as if he kept an eye on her ever since their souls mistakenly linked, saw her go somewhere alone, & made his way closer. but her eyes were secretly on that cutie. she played it as lowkey as possible; at first, eyes locked onto him, but when she noticed he wasn't noticing, she went to minding her business leaning against a table outside. he then leans against the same table, few feet away from each other. that's when he notices her, and they give a hello.

she doesn't remember how it happened, but it just did. at one point they nodded at each other to say hi, the next point she was in front of him as he asked her "can i kiss you?" the next point she reached for it and they just started kissing. she noticed his mouth tasted a bit like beer, then she suddenly felt his tongue in her mouth, surprising her once more. she enjoyed and smiled throughout the smoochin' but she felt her friends watching somehow and she wondered how it looked like from afar. she stopped out of the nervousness of being watched, talks to him in his ear explaining why, then just went to talking with him and getting his instagram.

mid-conversation he started sucking on her cheek, making her laugh and blush. she wanted to kiss him more so badly, regretting that she had stopped even if she was being looked at. aqua walked up and told her they had to leave. so she went with her. and so they left.

aqua was a bit upset with luna. mercury was very visibly angry, walking way too ahead of them ,clearly disappointed. luna tried to fester up some excuses like, "he kissed me, i stopped it," when aqua barked back quietly within her teeth closed tightly together, smiling and laughing out of not knowing how to react, "that's-not-what-it-LOOKED-like,-luna!!" she started to feel guilty, she started to feel really bad. even more bad when there was very obviously something wrong, even more when v & aqua clearly started talking to each other by passing one phone back and forth. she felt bad. but then she got angry. she started questioning, why is he angry? they weren't together, so why should he get angry? why should he be possessive?

the drive back to their city was tense at first but it eased throughout the night & mercury calmed down. they didn't talk about it until the next day.

but imagine how he felt. he left to go check up on his friends, to come back, and see her, his crush, few feet afar, from behind, only seeing the back of their head and seeing 'em all over some guy she doesn't know, as their lips are locking and his hand is going places. aqua told luna that it felt like he stayed watching forever; meanwhile luna didn't feel like it lasted that long. but.. just.. imagine. it made her feel bad. even though she questioned her guilt. she wasn't with him. why should she ..? it was all 50/50 for her. she felt bad for causing the damage she did but then she didn't because she couldn't %100% understand it.

a look one can give to someone is so strong and powerful. and seeing what you don't wanna see... one of the worst things one can feel.

.... i guess i'll stop here for now. i've written so much. but i've always wanted to write about the things that happen when i'm with friends and such, like it's a story and we're all characters

also, he told me his name. it's actually.. really cute. i don't use real names in my writing ever. but his name... it means "an angelic being". how cute..

august 3rd 2019 12:39 am

kinda feel bad kinda don’t

mercury saw me makeout with some guy at tonights show n it really pissed him off. yes part of me feels bad but the other part of me knows i dont belong to anyone so why is he pissed ?? i still just need a smoke and i feel like we’re gonna end up fighting. like ok hate me i guess. but at least i set the record straight,, that i dont belong to anyone.

also fuck rus lol

july 30th 2019 6:38 pm

to whoever has been reading

to whoever has been reading im sorry for being such a senseless raging bitch in my last diary entry. what you witnessed was raw emotion, raw stupid emotion, but at least it was real i guess.. real, dumb feelings and thoughts. im not as mad as i was anymore n looking back it was stupid of me to think the way that i did but hey, never said i was right.

i did in fact get over first by getting under rus. rus has been treating me more like a friend lately, still like his toy but a little more than that. which idk how to feel about it. it was okay. i dont know whats making him treat me nicer; talking about the music i like, more hugs than usual, actually looking at me before he left .. idk what it is but i dont mind it. i dont mind him being rough in bed and still sweet with me, its been so long since ive seen that genuine side of his, and also damn its been what 2-3 years of us keeping touch? and ive known him for what,, 4-5 years? hmm.. interesting

he bleached his hair though it looks like shit he should dye it a color

one day i will draw you guys a cartoonized version of all of the people i talk about with little bits of info next to them; just to paint a better picture.

i still really need to write about all the good times ive been having with everyone, like going to the santa monica beach with mercury n his lil brother, the wild one,, who i love to death, eating at johnny rocket for the first time, going to my first drive-in movie theatre, going swimming w friends, dennys late at night where the bathroom was flooded,, ahh so many good times, guys..

but im busy right now. aquas coming over soon. first and hopefully mercury will come later tn when theyre done w band practice.

i wonder what firsts true intentions really are.. does he want to be with aqua or is he just feeling lonely..?

whatever, he chose to play these mind games,, i chose to beat him at them.

july 28th 2019 7:45 am

how does one deal with this? wouldn't you be mad, too?

i'm honestly really fucking angry

first, my first boyfriend from middle school, who i had sex with for the first time a few weeks ago,,

he kissed aqua.

n now he probably touched her last night in my fucking bed

i'm so mad he's such a piece of shit !

and no one knows about us.

i just hate the way he's acting with me ever since we hooked up.

like he just didn't care for me no more.

like he moved on to the next girl

and now mercury, my second bf whos his friend, clearly has feelings for me

and at first i didn't really n he made me uncomfortable

but overtime i actually rlly love him as a person. he really has changed so much for the better n he has such a good heart

guys i've been so busy these past few days, going out with these 3, and having so much fun

we hung out for like 3 days in a row, and yesterday we went to a metal show in watts

it was amazingggg

but i still fucking hate first.

i was cuddling with mercury last night 4 the first time meanwhile first is probably touching aqua

then this morning while me n mercury were up talking, at some point,, FIRST PUT HIS HAND ON MY KNEE N RUBBED ME,,

who does he think he is ???? and why did it turn me on ??? i fucking hate him so much for being the way he's being, idk what game he's playing, but fuck him omg

it just sucks watching him go after my good friend after knowing what me & him have done and now hes probably jst trying to do the same w her

hes probably just trying to get back at me since in middle school i broke up with him then got with mercury

is this karma ?? i mean we were kids

but now we should all know how to fucking act and hes been really disrespectful

then aquas talking to me about how first has been weird w her, how they kissed one night even tho she has a bf,

n she showed disgust after i let her know that in middle school he made out with me when i was with mercury so this is nothing new for him to not give a fuck about a girl having a bf

yet shes still fucking entertaining him

fuck him and his stupid games

he's really THAT insecure that he doesnt mind sleeping w girls who belong to someone else, also insecure enough to fuck with me then try to get at her,, like dude what are u trying to prove fuck you if i told her what happened between us she would hate him too but i havent because i just dont know what to do i dont want to ruin anything i dont want to ruin our "friendship" even tho i fucking i hate him i dont want to ruin it we're all having a good time i guess but jeezzz i hate him fuck,

i kept trying to rub him with my legs after he rubbed my knee but he did nothing

then right now i was half asleep, mercury left, i heard first and aqua talking,

and first wass telling her how i kept putting my legs on him and how it hurt him and that he didnt wanna say anything

lolll i doubt it fucking hurt dude hes a fucking giant n my legs are so skinny n plus hes the one that tried hinting at something

fuck him honestly i regret hooking up with him hes so dumb and he has me feeling so bad 4 no reason lol wtf

stupid asshole

he has the audacity to feel entitled enough to want to cockblock me & mercury bc he doesnt want us together yet we havent been cockblocking them ?

hes a selfish insecure attention needy sorry ass dude n the thought of him disgusts me now

they left my house a few min ago to go eat breakfast n of course i stayed home my body is fucked from the lit ass show last night & also why would i go with just the two of them lol lol lol

he probably feels so smug, he probably feels like the man

but i know him for what he really is, and he aint shit.

and ive been trying reallyyy hard to pretend like nothing is wrong

but something is fucking wrong.

im really mad with him n hope his confidence gets shut down sometime bc hes rlly become such a self righteous asshole ever since he lost weight jesus

i know i sound bitter but like ?????? hes so inconsiderate n disgusting like wtffff.

im just gonna try to forget about it or hook up with rus to forget. he texted me last night

i really like mercury as a person but we're not anywhere near the hook up stage im not trying to get there anytime soon what we have right now is nice and simple i am not trying to be like first's headass. im pretty sure mercury wants to be with me but im not looking to be in a relationship with anyone right now because hell no i am not trying to over complicate my life than it already is but i really really really like him as a person like fuck he makes me laugh so much n happy n hes treated me good

i feel like speaking up about it to protect aqua but then again how would that go? she'd probably be surprised, have a weird reaction, feel mad at him, confront him about it, word gets out, then mercury finds out, then hes mad about it,,

it would just cause chaos and that's not what i want.

so again im left with the fucking burden to deal with caused by others. it always goes that way man. i always have to be the fucking considerate one carrying everything just so it won't ruin either myself or others.

fuck dude

july 19th 2019 12:54 pm

i feel really stupid & i just want 2 run away from my past

i'm such a fucking dumbass

i just want 2 forget about yesterday it rlly sucked n felt wrong n weird

i think im starting to regret hooking up w First bc i feel like it made things weird and awkward and not nice

yesterday i hung out with First, Mercury, Aqua, &... old friend, Ko.

later on i smoked when we all went 2 the park i smoked w ko but i guess it hit me badly bc i ended up feeling rlly depressed

i was just in this massive depressive state maybe it was bc i was rlly giggly n happy b4 i smoked it idk but it didnt feel nice

n first is on parole he shouldnt be around drugs i felt rlly bad n inconsiderate for smoking w ko but i hated the way first asked "whAt aRe yOu oN?" as if he thinks im a fucking druggie when it was just weed i just reacted badly 2 it i guess bc i had alot going thru my mind still i just hate being judged in such a way i felt offended

n then they were all playing hide n seek tag n i was out of it so i wasnt playing n i didnt want 2 ruin the mood but i kinda did

n first kept flirting w aqua as if nothing happened between us as if aqua doesnt have a bf

first doesnt give a fuck if a girl has a bf or not i know he doesnt

we watched this rlly fucking edgy gory disturbing film right b4 we went 2 the park n it was so long n just stupid yet everyone stayed quiet in the dark just watching lol bc they all wanted to show their respect 2 first since everyone thinks hes hot but ik ko wouldnt have normally fucked w it but ya ko's gay so

i just felt hated by everyone id try to be affectionate w aqua n shed act like a bitch i tried having fun w ko n sometimes it'd work sometimes he'd say an asshole thing haha guess cus hes a self-proclaimed sOciOpAtH so i cant fucking expect any consideration

when we were leaving going 2 the car there was other sketchy ppl n ko was just like "dude come on" like saying "catch up" but i was out of it lmao n he left me behind,, then ofc first n aqua walked home together instead of getting in the car w everyone

n then theres mercury whos rlly nice 2 me n hes cool but i just think hes trying to get in my pants

i dont have anyone who rlly cares 4 me , girls hate me n the guys who show they care just want to get in my pants to be fucking honest. tooo beee fuckinggg honesttt. not trying to sound vain like i hate myself but i just wish someone genuinely cared 4 me the way everyone cares 4 first without any fucking self benefit in mind. i wanna be looked up to n admired but no. im nothing, especially to these people, they're all from my past, they know everything, they know all the things people have said about me, they know things ive done, they judge judge judge.

yesterday just felt like shit towards the end man. i just want to run away from everyone that ive ever known. thats one thing im good at. running away. i want to leave this city without a single word n just live a new life.

but i have no money. so my plan for now is to distance myself from everyone & just work on myself. i rlly need to work on myself everyone is going up n istill feel so down here. i wanna start 2 bikeride everyday at a certain time, clean my room, work on my piano & art, just self improve in general, eat better.

i never talked about it out loud bc i try not to care 4 such shallow things but well First lost a lot of weight. yeah he looks good. but i always thought he looked good. i was w him in 6th-7th grade after all. i never made a comment about him being "fat". i never had a problem w it.

to be honest i think other people would insult him about it though and i think it would get 2 him, so then he just worked it off n lost the weight. he looks good yeah. but i think he's turned shallow too and thats what i dont like. i get it people change. but i miss the mellow him. i miss the genuine him. now hes always bragging n showing off. n i dont like it...

but whatever who gives a fuck what i dont like about someone else's way of being ?? just sharing my thoughts.

n now he's vegan. n he hardly ever eats. i think he has an eating disorder tbh. whenever someone asks him why hes vegan he says "bc of the animals". bullshit. when i knew him when we was younger i remember him sharing to me that when he was younger he would kill animals 4 fun/wanted 2 kill animals. hes always given me socio vibes 4 as long as i knew him n i knew him 4 a long time. ofc maybe not 100% i do believe theres a spectrum, n i do believe hes on it; n also i dont rlly think ko is a socio bc he claimed it himself he just seems more like a narcissitic & they both do share similar traits. anyways, First.. his eyes have always look dead. even when he's smiling. i wonder if anyones noticed.. but i have.

whatever whatever whatever wow i got sidetracked, just saying what's been on my mind. anyways i just rlly need 2 focus on myself b4 i can feel comfortable putting myself out there. but how can i when i dont even like my smile? idk. i'll get braces one day i just gotta work on the little things for now... ive been so low 4 as long as i can remember i just wanna feel whole & stable for once

i remember i was loved & adored at some point, i was...

actually... i think they all still secretly hated me but just acted nice n loving bc they wanted what i had. which was not giving a fuck n making everyone laugh.but lately i feel like ive been caring way too much what happened? im no fun...

july 17th 2019 12:20 pm

can't think of a title

rest in peace, bianca devins.

such a tragedy i can't believe there are some people who are blaming her for her death. no one deserves to get brutally murdered that way for "being a bitch" two years ago (yes i kept seeing people saying shit about her like really ???? she got fucking MURDERED ,, and so what if she used to scam literal PEDOPHILES when she was 15??? nothing she did made her deserve her death SHE WAS 17) i can't imagine how hard it must be on her family for her photos to be shared around like a fucking joke. i hate people

i forgot to write about my dad, we kinda started talking again ever since what happened w my mom. like i hate him less now he handled it very responsibly & without him idk how i would've gotten out of that shitshow.

First has me jealous by inviting her to his house even tho i wanted to hangout yesterday n he just gave a bs excuse n ignored me the rest of the day so im hanging out with Mercury now (Mercury: second bf,, First's best friend which i didn't really know of until after we got together, this was years ago like middle school puppy love stupid drama type shit)

Mercury wasn't the best bf, First was a nice bf. but I'm over with what happened w Mercury it was so long ago like I let go of any bad feelings I used 2 have a long time ago. he's actually rlly cool now i actually like him as a person. he's super funni. he invited me to the movies w his lil brother aw so cute. n i felt like hanging out w someone anyway so im glad he invited me :0) also trying 2 forget about first n how he invited my friend Aqua,, like i've been wanting to hangout since im rlly worried bc he said he might do jail time over a hit n run he pulled but that he might get parole he doesn't know n i wanted to see him b4 that happens but okkkk. ik he's weirded out w me because of what happened between us few nights ago. n he acts kinda a dick w me now when everyone else is there. wutever.

i added to my art page for the first time :) i drew that last night. its bad quality bc my iphones broken i took it w my shitty old phone but its something at least <3 i wanna draw more and post more of my art, some of my old art too.

well i gotta get ready!!!

july 16th 2019 3:05 pm

make this make sense

internet is down and my sim card isnt working bc my phone is fucked up so i cant even use my data fucking great

im at such a loss
it doesn't matter how many times i talk about something
it doesn't feel better
no one can help me and i won't put it against them

i just wanna fuckign cry my heart out
none of this feels right none of this feels real none of this is the way it should've been n o n e o f i t
i didn't think my trauma could get any worse until a few days ago
i need to take a hit for this
i dont have internet to help distract me,
my 3ds isnt working suddenly,
i have little to any escape
besides getting high and playing on my piano and writing so thats what the fuck im gonna do
i really wanted to do something but no one was really down
i feel like im being annoying with... First
(First: he was my first ever boyfriend, i was his. we go way back,, like 6 almost 7 years back)
we reconnected again
i went over his house
we ended up having sex that night
it was amazing
we never had sex before
its just crazy
i never thought in a million years him out of all people i would do that with
we was kids
but it happened in the moment
& holy fuckkk
it was the best
we didnt talk about it until like 3 days later
ooffff
since then ive been wanting to hang out more & stay reconnected w everyone but
hes acting weird w me.
i need to distant myself.
im being annoying & he doesnt like me.
i just didnt want that to be a one time thing.
i didnt want it to be so typical.
i need to leave him alone.
he don't care for me

...

i went over his house because i had a really bad day and i couldn't stay home
i went through 6 hours of my mom fucking tweaking
shes never been one of those addict moms
i remember my siblings accused her of doing drugs 2 years ago n she went 2 me crying about it denying it
i believed her
but then i was put through one of her highs
and it was one of the most traumatizing things ive had to go thru in my life
i believed you
i believed her
i believed the psychotic shit she was saying
it fucking really messed me up mentally
even more
my dads been messing me up mentally
now my moms acting way out of fucking pocket
then i heard she has a boyfriend
oh so thats the fucker whos leading her down this path.
i fucking hate everything.
everything is going to shit i feel like someone has it out for me i think someone is wishing me a lot bad
i wouldnt be surprised if it was her wishing me bad
she hated me and wished me bad already anyway even when we was friends
but now its even more than b4 since i had enough of her shit
i fucking hate it all
why was i put here
i feel cursed
i feel so fucked
i feel way too fucked
i cant do anything anymore
i have no ability to do anything
none of this has been feeling fuckign real
i miss steven
(friend i met on animal crossing hes really really cool n we have al ot of fun)
but my 3ds desnt work now wow
sighhhhhhhhhh
i need an escape
i need affection n attention
which is weird of me to say
ive always been one to never need attention
i hate attention actually
but i just been wanting some i think bc ive been put in rlly tight fucking spots rn
there is no support system
its getting hard to support myself i need somebody to make me forget
i just want to disappearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i could clean my room but i feel no motivation
the fucking internet needs to come back
n i need a new fucking phone
my internets shut off n i bet no ones gonna notice or care that i just went away outta nowhere
im a fucking mess
time to write poetry, i guess

friday day 19 july 5th 2019 10:47 pm

i wish i had a job again so i wouldn't be home as much stuck with the true fucking idiot

being the child of two damaged people alongside damaged siblings is really... damaging on the mind, body, soul & spirit.

i can't stop remembering the time my father strangled me, pinning me down to the floor, feeling my body allow itself being choked down, and my mom just looking at ME in disgust because i was being disrespectful so i deserved it.

i remember him punching my face but i didn't even feel a thing because of the adrenaline going through my body.

mind you my father is big. he's muscly, fat. he's not the tallest but most people are taller than me; i'm 5'2.

what business does a man let alone a father have beating on their children. which he did with my other siblings more often. his wife, too.

sometimes i dont think he even knows how wrong he is. one time he said, "how am i abusive?" wow the dumbass is so delusional because he was raised with hate so naturally he doesn't know love doesn't = abuse. sometimes i feel bad but also i dont deserve this none of us did. yet what did i get,, his abuse along with my sibling abuse because of the abuse he'd put them through they'd all go after me since he was my father and not theirs. greaaaat lets pile on the trauma and then belittle my problems and struggles like they aint mean shit. i fucking hate them all

but they're gone now so now it's just me. & him; a vessel to kill any or everyone in their life's happiness.

why? oh because of HIS childhood trauma. yay. i get to be born into this shit i didn't even ask for, and i get to be one of the outlets to pay for someone else's sins i didnt even fucking DO. why can't they die ???????? i want to kill them myself for causing this much trauma to my father, it is because of THEM i didnt get a normal happy fucking stable life. why am i even writing about it, everyone is lost with their own lives including me; what can i expect out of a person. but whatever. im writing. because i fucking feel like it

i didn't realize how i looked like until after my mom was showing her disgust for me, "look at you", as i was crying and screaming trying to prove whatever points i had, trying to express my feelings; i looked in the mirror and saw blood on my face. for me to look this fucked up in the hands of the monster i have to call my father, and for my mother to feel nothing but disgust; to turn it all around on me saying, "come on, lets leave her alone, lets go. we don't want to be around her." when really they both left me there because of how much i was crying & how bad i looked. they didn't want to get in trouble.

now my mom's all sweet to me and we love each other. but i still can't stop remembering.

or the time she called me a fucking loser in middle school then denied it with her whole life.

any time we'd call her a liar she'd go crazy. because it was true

the time i tried to vent about myself and it turned into her almost crashing the car, why?

because they're all broken,

they were already broken, and then they all broke me, and then they wonder why i'm broken and don't want to deal with me and can't even deal with themselves so what makes me think they can deal with me ??? i can't express shit or else one of these fucking lunatics will lose it alongside me. i just wish i didn't exist at all

and now my dad has some other clueless foolish bitch over. hes talking to me all nice. like i haven't forgotten the times he's called me a "fucking idiot" or the times he's literally threatened and scared me for life.

no sorry could fix shit but this dumb ass doesn't even say sorry.

all my friends saw me as horrible because they saw how aggressive i was with him but that's only because i know how he is, because i'm the one that had to go through it all, not them;; they'd never fucking understand.

he'll never change and i won't respect him just because he thinks his fragile ego needs to be met in needs. it won't be met from me. he can kill me and i'd still spit on him.

i've never truly HAD anyone. i feel so alone. i feel like everyone who was supposed to support me was against me, and i have no friends because, they were all against me too,,,, i just want to die. everyone is so fucked, and careless,,, im just gonna get high again to forget about it

thursday day 18 july 4th 2019 11:42 pm

turn on already

tuesday day 17 july 2nd 2:20 am

was it really a loss, though?

i still think about them

i've forced myself to forget about them before

for a while it worked

anytime any picture of them would pop up,

my instincts would flare up & i'd hide the picture from myself automatically

but why do i have the urge to see that picture of them...

no......

i won't do that to myself

i won't make it sting more..

but it briefly popped up on his phone

i only saw a glimpse

i quickly changed my mind on keeping him on social media because i couldn't do that to myself

why were they like that?

why are they like that?

it could've been so good what we had could've been so good

but they were just..

i'm not for them.

they deserve each other.

i did so much i did more than enough

i wish it was easier for me to let go

i mean they did treat me badly, why isn't is easy ?

i've told myself for so long i don't hate them,

but after remembering things i think i hate them

fuck them

they saw me as a threat rather than to love

story of my fucking life

fuck everybody

they don't know what they lost

not to sound arrogant.

but they wouldn't have liked if i had done those things to them.

inconsiderate selfish assholes

i need to create from this i need to not dwell on this

it just sucks so bad

the a u d a c i t y !!!

i spent so much money

they'd always break my things,

trash my place,

disrespect me & my family

they were never on my side

always arguing that i was wrong when it came to my family problems

even though they shouldve been supportive

always targeting me

always ungrateful

always rude & hurtful

never appreciative, just fucking allaround cunts

& i bet they still don't believe they were wrong

i just didn't wanna have to teach someone how to fucking act.

i don't like this bitter feeling i try not to stay bitter its bad for the heart

how does one not stay bitter when feeling so wronged with no closure ..?

how does one move on with no closure

how does one

stop being treated like a piece of shit im so over it

why were they so against me ? ?

things these friends have said:

s:"i like your pants! ..but i saw another girl who wore them better than you."

s:"fix ur fucking teeth haha"

s:"your family likes me better than you"

s:"you look like a dyke"

this friend was even trying to seduce a bf of mine

j, after i gifted him:"it's probably expired"

j:"you don't deserve me"

i can't even keep going on

i've known these people since kinder-elementary-middleschool

why does everyone hurt me

what did i ever do?

fuck that shit i didn't do anything i was too good of a friend

they're on their own now

i'm leaving them behind

i hope one day they see the errors of their ways

& how much i didn't deserve any of that

miserable fucks

it feels like my childhood all over again

i'm so tired of everyone hurting me

just leave me the fuck alone

i wanna be alone

leave me alone

i shouldn't be the one going back

yet i'm the one who was blocked lol

as if THEY can't be the ones to bear to see me

people will never understand when they're wrong

they'll never understand

what did i do?

sometimes it's you who did nothing

everyone is dead

i don't miss them anymore like i did a dew days ago

i hate them now, now that i'm remembering it all & being left alone with my unheard silence

but i don't want to carry around this hate

i need to save

either save myself or be saved i can't rely on anyone

i'm all i got but how do i do it when all my life i've just been told that i was weak?

i keep feeling i have to get high to forget everything but everytime i go back 2 being sober it hits me all at once again & again just one more

i want revenge for once but i dont wanna go rotten like them

but im just really craving revenge

i don't wanna let it out on someone who don't deserve it

i'm not low like them

but i want revenge on them all

how ?

saturday day 16 june 29th 8:38 pm

no one & no place is safe

my dad's such a drunken fucking disgusting stupid pig

i'm not safe here

i'm not safe

what is it like to feel safe

is it bad that i feel even more alone now that a close best friend since middle school just told me they think they're a sociopath.

greaaat. another person in my life who gives no shit about anyone but their own benefit.

when will i find someone who cares as much for caring for others as me.

i'm so tired of the same old fucking ways of everyone.

i feel so alone. i feel even more alone even though i just hung out with someone after i havent in like 3 weeks

i feel so so alone and cold and like i just wanna be gone

no one actually cares

and it's not safe here

is it bad to say i can't find myself trusting a man

after my father n his abusive & idiotic ways

after my ex boyfriend who abused & took advantage of me

after all the ones who have disappointed

or maybe not just a man, i can't trust anyone, everyone is always at each other's throats,

when will it be fucking OKAY.

he's drunk, he's acting up,

threatening to break my door again,

banging on it.

why am i being put through this.

his fucking trauma.

is now my fucking trauma.

i don't think living is worth it.

everyone ive found have been so empty at some point or another

while i stay the way everyone always expects of me.

i kinda just wanna die

id rather die than be consumed by this fucking amount of fear

but making me scared of you will never gain my respect.

you're still a dumb ass piece of shit in my eyes.

choke me to death if you want.

i'll die hating you.

he yelled calling me a fucking idiot.

asking what i asked him when i was suspicious.

banging on my door aggressively as if hes surprised i would be suspicious.

like youre showing it right fucking now.

fucking idiot waste of existence.

just kill me already

id rather die than be alive another second living with him

fuck dude

why is living hell

why has it always been hell

what is the point of this all

this is so fucking stupid

and my moms taking forever to even come here.

"iM gOinG rIgHt nOw"

clearly not fast enough

she cares more about the dogs than my wellbeing

i dont think ive had someone in my life that much really supporting

everyones so fucking selfish and expects everyone else to be there for them

but when someone else needs help,

where are they ?

fucking hate this suffering

i want it to end it already

why am i being put through this

lol its been like 20 min since my mom said she was coming

just dont even fucking come anymore

leave me here with who you got with

a monster

created by other monsters

so i can't even fucking complain

wednesday day 15 june 26th 1:05 am

i deserve nothing

i'm a piece of shit.... i'm such a piece of shit.

i'm sorry family for lashing out i am just so lost & none of you really helped build myself up anyway so why should i be sorry-

there i go, being a piece of shit again.

yeah.. i feel real shitty.

i left to go to the show i found on some website.... it was not what i expected at all

i don't necessarily regret going but also i didn't really find what i was looking for, which was to just dance & go crazy to some music.

it was listed under experimental.... & yeah they didn't lie.

when i first walked in i was scared at the noises the performers were making.

2:18 pm

i fell asleep i was way too tired

it was really experimental but hey.. it was an experience.

i remember thinking i walked into a cult when i first walked in

so first impressions i was weirded the fuck out, 50% of people there looked like hippies, 40% looked like goths & 10% looked like normal grown people. also it smelled weird in there... like it's hard to even describe how it smelled like.. like.. sweaty balls or something.. BUT OKAY JUDGMENTS ASIDE the longer i stayed the more i began to appreciate the noises & the vibrations i was feeling in my chest i'll give it that (update: i remember after a little while of just listening, i began to let go more of my first impression harsh judgment & appreciated how brave n cool it is for these people to just gather & make some music, not giving a fuck if it's liked by the majority or not; just ~creating~. n i found that very admirable. it takes balls *hopefully not sweaty ones- i- i'm sorry i had to no but really i'm not being sarcastic i admire the bravery n the beauty in just creating*to go up on a stage like that n just perform. love that)

it was interesting..

3 groups of performers went on. the third one was super nice. i mean they played nice songs then they started doing some asmr sounding music,

it was very performative & artsy, hard to tell the meaning of it but it was still entertaining.. their voices were lispy & cute & nice.

show was done around 11, i think i showed up around 9. started at 7. i was supposed to pay $7 but no one made me pay. and i literally found this show on a website. it was the only one that was yesterday + it was cheap + labelled under experiemental , so i said why not ??

the last group, they're a band. there was handmade merch on a table. shirts were $20-$30, tapes were $10-$15. i would've gotten a shirt but my money's scarce & also felt like those white tshirts wouldn't look good on me.. but i did get a tape! i love the art that's on it! *oof i feel like i accidentally gave a backhanded compliment n i didn't realize how bad it sounded until the words left my lips; when i asked how much the tape was they said $10-$15. i handed a $20, complimented their music, n then she stayed looking at me in a way where she doesn't know how much i'm giving, so my awkward ass says "oh sorry i need money back IM BROKE TOO i need money for the ride back" and i was like FUUUUUCKKKKKK I JUST IMPLIED THAT I KNEW THEY WERE BROKE- I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY OMG IM SUCH AN IDIOT LMAO. but well hey one of the notes by the merch DID say "help us pay for gas" so then i justified it in my mind like that's how i would've known but still i felt like shit because it sounded rude- there goes my sagittarius mouth.. they didn't take it bad though they said "for sure", very undderstanding*

now i just gotta get a cassette player. which hey i don't mind i've been wanting to start collecting vinyls, why not cassettes too ?

the plan was i was supposed to go to a bank to deposit money into my card to get a ride back but my parents ended up picking me up. they were pissed. & this is where the being a piece of shit starts.

me & my mom were going back & forth. "it's dangerous here, why didn't you tell anyone, who did you go with??" ( i didn't go with anyone. )

in my head i've been planning to go to shows; i've written about it. but i didn't feel like telling anyone because i kinda wanted to show like hey, i'm going out, i don't need to explain, i'm grown. & i know i'm not fully grown but.. so many people my age do cool ass things. i want that life, you know. because i've only had a glimse of it before & i was just itching for more because all i fucking do is stay at home w my asshole father & follow my mom around. i don't have any friends so it's hard for me to find good shows to go to so i ended up going to any one that i found because i just needed that temporary escape. but she's right. i should wait until i get a car so that i could go to these places... even then though i want to do some fun shit.. i hate being treated like i'm little, like fuck. i wanna have fun

but i still felt shitty afterwards, i guess because i wasn't sorry. i wasn't sorry that i chose to do what i wanted to do. & it hurt her.i was sorry that i made her worry but i wasn't sorry for going. i kept saying rude shit about my dad though but whatever. i don't care if he worried or not. his ass always alternates between giving a shit about me and not giving a shit about me so it has no value to me now, care for me or not i don't fucking want it or care. yes i simply don't respect him, his abusive damaged ass scares me but that still doesn't gain my respect. i gotta deal with his fucked up problems that i didn't cause,& all my siblings got to leave & move out, my mom doesn't really live here but even then she still deals with him at times; she was only defending him because they're on good terms but just wait until he gets drunk or he starts trying to assault her or starts fighting with her like they always used to. then she'll understand again why i can't even look at him in the face.

whatever... i need a job, so i can save for a car AND go to shows. but next time i'll stick to rock/punk.. i try to keep an open mind which is why i went to an experiemental show but uhh again not what i was looking for

tuesday day 14 june 25th 2019 11:03 am

"do you love me?"

(i just got the idea to start adding little titles to my blog posts, so i'm gonna start to do that now.)

okaaay... i've been doing a little better since 5 days ago...

last night was something else with. . . beast (his name was surface, now promoted to beast.) WOW. ok ok before i get into that let meee get into the

m i n o r s t u f f

*i went to the fair w my mother two days ago, we just stumbled upon it & when in, got on one ride. it was fun! there was a ride called zipper i believe & it just looked SO DANGEROUS & it looked like it would hurt. i kinda wanted to get on but it was rusty, & you know how fair rides go... jeezzzz

*we went thrift shopping yesterday, i found some super cute stuff! the woman let me have two pair of pants for $6 instead of $12 on the low, she was so pretty & sweet! i need to take one pair of pants to the dry cleaners, it has a ripped hole by the thighs but theyre SO CUTE i had to get them i don't mind! i feel like a barbie doll wearing them; they're like this cute pale yellow with green accents & they're BELLBOTTOMS. oh yeaaah. i ended up getting two pairs of bell bottoms, I AM OBSESSEDDD!!!

*oh shit, today's my sister's birthday! i wonder what she's gonna do today. i wanna text her but my phone's still dead n charging. (update shes going to the movies w her bf)

*i got my last paycheck. like... $264. i've already spent $12 on pizza, $13 on clothes, $10 on icecream but my mama's gonna pay me back since this is my lastttt of lasst money until i get a new job... oh & $12 on uber.

i've been feeling suffocated lately like all i do is hang out w my mom which i love her i dont mind but i am craving a night out alone at a show so i can just let loose & have fun instead of being babied all the time, ya know? she doesn't really baby me but just being around her too much i just feel like a child. many people my age are doing so many things, & what am i doing ? staying at home all the time, eating & driving w my mom.. i love her though just need some time to spread my wings. i guess i'm gonna use some of the little money i have to at least go out somewhere one more time before i start job hunting & such. (but well i'll still be looking)

two days ago rus came over... and..

it was really whatever. again it wasn't as fun for me as much as it was for him, just like every time :/ even though he's so pretty... & i like gazing upon him when he's not looking,,, taking in all of his cuteness.. & the way he ... .--. .. - on me.... !--bUt i'm getting TIRED & BORED of his repetitive selfish ass!

wellllllll good thing beast came THRUUU last night,, it was really unplanned...

ugh again i sound like such a ho.

but hey, whatever. why am i worried about that? who gives a shit about labels. most people are sluts (i hate that word but hear me out) in their minds yet they shame everyone else for choosing what they wanna do??? something that wouldn't even affect them ?? not only that but it FEELS GOOD ??? maybe because it's NATURAL- WHO ACTUAALLLY gives a shit.

it's just sexuality which is completely natural but something women have always been shamed for for some reason. but what's worse than a man slut shaming a woman? a woman slut shaming a woman. we shouldn't go against each other when nearly all of us have faced such insults. we all know it isn't a nice feeling. i remember reading somewhere, women who slutshame other women are really just jealous or wish they can be the one they're shaming, & men who slut shame women do it because they can't have them themselves. & honestly.... did they lie ??

bottom line; i'm not with anyone, i'm free to do what i want. it's been a while hmm... it's only really been the two of them for a long time,

i think it's because i hate meeting new people for potential hooking up when there's so many possibilites that it won't go nice you know ? & even then, i don't go out to meet new people to specifically hook up. i go out to have a good time, & if things happen they happen. i like things to happen naturally, in the moment, when it's right. but it's not something i actively SEEK, hmm if anything i hate to be bothered

ahh fuck now i'm thinking about how bad i wanna go out to a show!!!

anywayss, i'd rather stay with the two people i'm comfortable with, rus for being the one who made me fall in love & lost my virginity to 3 years ago, and then he broke my heart, and then we didn't talk for a year, then he came back & hasn't completely left since...... i can't really stand him as a person but again it's the comfortability with each other's bodies & us being each other's first i guess

then there's surf- i mean, beast

:')

i met him last year at a carnival w my old friends.

he...he's the best~

the more..

intensseee. heee knooooows how to do it r i g h t,, so good. even though he sometimes irritates me & even though he's not the brightest crayon in the box,, he's good at one thing.... & that's making me regret asking for it aaaa last night... like i said, was SOMETHING ELSE

he hit me up, i was really needy, he was really needy, i had him come over &&& yessss it felt like it lasted so long but it was like 30 minutes (i'm not complaining that isn't bad at all of jusstt having fun) i think it felt longer because i was so into it,,,~ & because i'm used to rus' very short durations of being a pleaser. we went in so many positions,, ahhhh his soundss okay guys. this time it was the most passionate. he even said "i love you". he kept saying it... which caught me off guard. i mean, we've been a mEaNiNgLeSs hookup since last year. i didn't think there was feelings involved. i think he just said it in the moment.. but he said it more than once & kept asking if i love him... man, whatever, saying it made our actions so much more passionate,,, ahhhhhh it was amazinnnn' i needed this redepemption ~ oof sorry for being so graphic. but mannnn i just felt like writing about ittt~ i liked it when he had me .-. .. -.. .. -. --. .... .. -- -... .- -.-. -.- .-- .- .-. -.. ... and i felt him --. .-. .- -... --- -. - --- -- . . . .-- .. - .... - .... --- ... . .... ·--·-· -. -.. ... ... and just.. he -.. . ... .--. . .-. .- - . .-.. -.-- -.-- -.- . .--. - ..-. --- .-. -.-. .. -. --. -- . ·-··· -... --- ..- -. -.-. .. -. --. -- . ..- .--. .- -. -.. -.. --- .-- -. --··-- .- .-.. .-.. .-- .... .. .-.. . .... . ·----· ... -- --- .- -. .. -. --. like he was so into it... he .... . .-.. --- ...- . -.. - .... .- - .--. --- ... .. - .. --- -. -. -. -. .... . .-- .- ... -- --- .- -. .. -. --. .-.. .. -.- . -.-. .-. .- --.. -.-- ... . . .. -. --. -- . --- -. - --- .--. --- ..-. .... .. -- ·-··· -... --- ..- -. -.-. .. -. --. --. --. aaaaaa~ i want him to come right now i'm home aloneeee but.. my stupid phone w the shitty battery still hasn't turned on!! & it's 11:50 now!! aaaa.....

5:52 pm

omg someone made me a banner

uwu THANK YOU SO MUCH billsworld!!

ahhhh ok ok ok ok soooo ive BEEN saying i wanna go out and such,, wellll i found an event that starts in an hour, its tagged "experimental", it looks like music & performance arts.. the ticket is only $7!! its in la and it looks AWESOME IM GONNA GO GET READY REALLY QUICK, i need to walk to the bank or something so i can add more money to my card so that i can afford the ride there (it's $17 jeez) okaaaaY IM GONNA GET READY IM EXCITED, GTG. i should take my portable charger since my phone battery is horribleee

thursday day 13 june 20th 2019 11:53 am

you guys. i'm at an all-time low.

i got fired from my job over the phone yesterday. they thought i was meant to show up yesterday but i literally marked it in my calendar right when he told me; i was supposed to be back today.

no one ever believes in me, they always choose to believe the shit their mind makes up that is always never in my favor; just like when i was new & they thought i was meant to show up at 10 am my second day when i wasn't & they all saw me as bad. fucking idiots.

i'm so so so so so lost.

i never had a stable family,

i'm way behind in school & i'm debating whether or not i should drop,

i cut off all of my shitty friends,

i lost my job

i've been doing nothing for two weeks since i got suspended, absolutely nothing

why am i so depressed why do i have no will to do anything.

ever since my dad traumatized me when he was drunk & trying to break my door down & i couldn't stop screaming,

ever since then i stopped going to school

i'm just fucked

and stuck

here with that mess

that i didn't EVEN FUCKING START TO BEGIN WITH

BUT I'M STILL HAVING IT LET OUT ON ME.

WHAT DO I DO???????????

IS ANYONE EVEN OUT THERE.

WHAT DO I DO. I'M VERY LOST. I'M VERY VERY LOST

just when i started having hope again & having all of these goals and ideas and plans ALL OF IT HAS NOW GONE TO SHIT. i can't even save now

i know i know, jUsT fInD a nEw jOb.

i know that's what i have to do but there is just this very heavy something weighing on me, preventing me from doing basic things like take care of myself,, i really think it's depression i don't know what to do

i kinda really wanna die.

they owe me money. i've had no money for two weeks.

i need to get rid of my bed it's fucking massive & gets in the way of everything i don't even be in my room anymore because yes its a mess thats my fault but the massive bed really doesn't help jack shit

i really really really need someone but i feel like i have no one

i fucking hate my dad he makes me feel trapped and miserable.

i was born into this world trapped in everyone elses trauma then once i was broken i was left alone

& my sister gets to live a happily ever after life even though she was a fucking horrible person towards everyone for most of her life

i fucking hate everything right now

now i'm crying like a little bitch

i don't feel like telling my mom or my dad

my dad will just insult me over it because hes a piece of shit

my mom will just be sad & make it about her somehow

i need to get my shit together

clean my room,

take care of myself,

relax,

& look for a job

as i starve in this stupid fucking place

i need a smoke.

i feel so low, i need rus to make me feel high again, with his power trips.

day 12 june 17th 2019 7:30 AM

HEY. wow, it's been a while.

few life updates:

*we broke up, i was heartbroken for like 5 minutes, kinda as long as we was together.. never fall for someone from cyberspace

*i somehow got with someone else which lasted even less,, again; never fall for someone from cyberspace

*i got suspended from my job for 2 weeks, i guess my communication was bad when it came to not showing up.. i really need to fix my sleep schedule. i don't want to lose this i have too many ideas & plans for what i want to save up for, also i'm a dumbass who has basically wasted my money these past few paychecks, nothing new (i need to change this)

*i bought a keyboard piano !! it's pink! her name is melody. & i think i've already somehow broken it or it came messed up because underneath it has a crack... but she still works, okay!? :0) ive been playing & learning human sadness; i want to learn how to put a video up here so i can show whoever's reading this how i sound

*oh yeah my guitar got stolen which is what made me wanna get the keyboard piano even more than i already did, so did my 3ds I THINK

*i have so many ideas & plans which i'll write about

*my sister from vegas might be coming soon, ill get to see my baby niece for the first time <3

ok, let's jump right back into where we last left off!!

i'm feeling good! yesterday was father's day & although i'm not too fond of my father my other sister helped humble me down. she made me write a father's day card which i don't think we've ever given him one considering his rough demeanor & lasting negative impact throughout the years but hey i tried my best.

we went to downtown la; smorgasburg! my sister got me matcha milk tea with boba from sip, thanks joe. i ate a flower. i spilled some tea on my white turtleneck covered in hearts... i really hope it can wash off i found it at goodwill.

i got a new tshirt from the shops there; i liked how simple it was it just says 9:30. the guy who sold me it says it's called the 9:30 club from philly where they played some of his fave bands.. interesting how it made it's way down here.

then we went to go eat at cole's; where they serve the french dip (& where it originated from as well, since 1908!) it was my first time trying such thing & it was SO GOOOOD i got the roast beef french dip with reallll mac n cheese,, MMMMMM. it was just perfect, never thought how good a sandwich would taste with just some warm dip to ease down the breadyness that bread brings, making it so easy to just eat & enjoy,, yes pleaseee

i have so many plans. firstly i'd like to get serious with my money for once & save for a car. ive been spending it on such stupid shit seriously i should be watched.

some things i regret buying: a bunch of equipment so i can do my own nails instead of going to the salon. shocker, they don't stay on as good.. yeah waste of money. but hey lesson learnedddd i need to get s e r i o u s

aside from saving for a car, i'm planning on buying an electric guitar next & pursuing in the musical talents which i have no experience with whatsoever but i just wanna JAM out like crazy. i also want to start collecting vinyls, theres a record shop over there in uptown, i just feel like riding my bike & going to get a few; (which reminds me, i need a basket for my new bike. OH YEAH! i bought a new bike!! because someone stole my last one. but that's okay, this one's a beauty even though she's already dropped me a few times... her name's Bettie. sister said she'd hand me down the one she has which ain't the best but hey it's good enough! saves me money. i want to develop this website more but hey bare with me i ain't got much skills with all this coding stuffff... i wanna make vlogs if i can. i'll need a camera.

but first of all, i need to clean my room. seriously i don't think it's ever been this bad... jeez. time for a room makeover again honestly... i disgust myself

i go back to work in like 3 days or so. i got 3 days out of the 2 weeks i've been given to clean my room... why do i always wait til last minute!? :')

and on TOp of all this i want to go out by myself at least once a week; put some money aside for uber and just purchase tickets to local shows, or go out to eat at nice places, fuck it!! get myself out there & make working worth my happiness. :)

..i need a name for this one person i'm thinking about, i could've sworn i've given him a name,, haven't i ..? let's just call him rus. rus & surface level have both hit me up. rus has been gone longer even since the last let down. surface level was more recent. i haven't texted either though because i was wItH sOmEoNe online at the time but now that that's over i just might... maybe.... undecidedly let one back in my life... but FIRST I NEED TO CLEAN THIS DAMN ROOM!!

aLSO i'm SO STOKED for ANIMAL CROSSING NEW HORIZONS!! IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL i just hope it doesn't lose it's charm from the previous games, it seems veryyy different in terms of gameplay but who knows, we still got til march 2020! which hopefully will go by fast (i just know it will!)

day 11 may 30th 2019 12:47 AM

wowowowow i can't FUCKING SLEEP HE'S JUST ON MY MIND OH MY GOD HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY I LOVE U BACK THIS TIME AND HE HASN'T MESSAGED ME IN 11 HRS AND OUR STREAKS ARE ABOUT TO DIE-- GOD I SOUND SO OBSESSED BUT IT'S BECAUSE HE FUCKIN LURED ME IN AND FOR WHAT???? FOR WHAT FUCKING REASON. WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME, WHAT DID HE WANT FROM ME,, IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE,,, AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH, WHY DO I ALWAYS FALL FOR THIS SHIT, WHAT'S HIS EXCUSE GONNA BE NOW??? I SWEAR IM USUALLY NOT THIS CRAZY BUT IM GENUINELY SO SAD N FEELING HURT WHAT THE FUCK HE HATES ME AND WON'T TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK HIS PROBLEM IS. :(((((

day 10 may 27th 2019 9:48 pm

a lots happened since then uh uh uh uh i went to go check if i was pregnant i wasnt but they also said it was too early to tell and to go back in 2-3 weeks... i haven't got my period yet but they said technically i haven't missed it yet,, i still have a bad feeling. i wrote about it that day. "No one else knows, internet no one else knows that I may be pregnant except for you. Will I regret it? I know it’s for the best that’s the only reason why I’m doing it but it hasn’t hit me yet what if it will what if it becomes my regret ? Should I wear all black to my unborn child’s funeral or should I wear bright pink clothes to hide the fact that I’m about to kill a life possibly. I mean I haven’t bled when I should have.. but what if I’m not? Is it wrong to date someone and not tell them you might be pregnant? And not tell them you’re on your way to a clinic right now for a possible abortion? Should I tell him, the man who got me this way? I don’t even know if I am but this just don’t feel right I love you I’m sorry I love you to the lover I am seeing right now. Will you still love me if i was pregnant with somebody else? No, no one wants someone pregnant no one wants to know someone had an abortion I can’t tell anyone I can’t tell anyone except for that one person I found on the internet But no one can know no one can know not even mother she’d see me in a different light"

anyways.... ive been on the internet way too much and i think ive caught feelings for someone from this world we all share... might sound pathetic but i don't know i said i love you and maybe i do i fall for people who are good to me so easily but he left his last girlfriend like nothing and then quickly moved on with me and i'm just worried if that's how it's gonna be. he's got so many others to fall back on i got no one. i already know it's gonna go bad. how many times do i gotta give my heart away to a dangerous boy before i run out ?????? i still don't even know how he looks like even though he knows what i look like, i fell for him and his voice,, but what if he's just usin me. just like what he's into. ain't he miss me? i'm annoying him aren't i. we went from talking daily for hours now he ain't wanna call. what's he doing. playing a video game with a cam girl like he did before he got with me? having all those nudes of other girls... i just don't want to be another one. i don't want to be another one i don't want to fall for his libra charm......... i don't know what to do guys. i really like him but i a;ready know i'm gonna end up being such a fool aren't i. again. and again. and again. always fucking happens.

maybe i deserve this from all the times when i would fuck around. but haven't i got my karma already? i've went through a lot what more is there.. how does one remain faithful. how? he was texting me again he wants me to go over , but i've committed to this person online that's probably not even real, is any of this real,,, or maybe this is a test of my faith, i left that guy on read, even though i do feel desperate, i just... i'm so untrusting i'm so afraid of being hurt again this is so stupid.......... but i love you jeissen. (how is it so easy for me to say, how was it so easy for him to say, how was it so easy to move on so fast after 4 months? lol he was frustrated with his ex because she didn't wanna show him her body. imagine how he'll be like with mem when i don't wanna show mine.)

whys he got me waitin' ain't he not like that?

sheesh... i gotta disconnect for a while... *IMPORTANT UPDATE i wasn't pregnant, thank god!! i forgot to write about it omg. just a scare, which all of us have had at least once even when we wouldn't have sex haha! it bee like thaaat*

day 9 may 18th 2019 11:11 am

fuck fuck fuck FUCK im late im late late IM LATE part of me is scared n worried the other part of me is assured, whaat if i get fired well it was fun while it lasted.

oh lately i dont recognize myself in the mirror, oh lately i just cant sleep at night i cant be pregnant i wont be pregnant i cant be!!!!

10:30 pm

lmao someone stole my fuckin bike whatever i hope they needed it more than me, to be honest i took my bike for granted so bad i used to always ride my bike but then got too lazy even tho i did miss it it would always just be out there. its okay i used to steal all the time ill take it as karma ill just buy another bike n keep it inside now n ill actually use it n name it n take care of it plus i should since ive been gaining a lot of weight oof. i miss riding to tthe park also i need a visit to the clinic seriously im concerned i swear to god if hes got me pregnant... i always thought to myself, “i wouldnt personally abort because i wouldnt want to live with that BUT i dont judge or hate or shame women who do because its their choice & they have their own reasons” but what if i end up doing just that im not ready im not readdy im not ready i feel like i might be a good mother i mean of course id make mistakes but i’d love to teach and raise the ways i believe is right & ideal but i just dont think im ready n this world depresses me so much i think to myself abortion would probably be merciful i know theres been times i wish i never existed why would i want to bring in life only for it to feel the same way years down the road or only for the world to end due to all of our fuck ups or something. why would i wanna bring a lil pure bundle of joy into such a dangerous world, is this hell????? i dont know i dont know i dont know ive been feeling odd pains its been a little over 4-5 days is it too late i didnt have time i had work work work now that i have it off its sunday it wont open until monday i NEED to go i NEED to get to the bottom of this somebody help me. i wonder if i do turn out with child i wonder how he’d react i know it wasnt love no not at all love of course he irritates me but would he encourage abortion or would he want it to live??? i wanna see how heartless he is. that sounds fucked up but i cant help but wonder how he’d react since he always never cares anyway, its just outta curiosity but of course i wouldnt want a child with him of course not hes so not it & im so not ready. who is really out there?

somethingg scary happened at work today a coworker out of nowhere said “did you know we’re all in hell?” iit made my heart stop that is constantly on my mind & for me to hear somebody else in my presense in the workplace so blatantly nonchalantly just so awoken & bluntly say those words i was in awe somebody so close to me said whats always on my mind. we believe the same things this world we’re in never ceases to amaze me. this is all probably just some fucked up version of minecraft

day 8 may 16th 2019 4:11 am

mannn im realizing if i really talk about somebody in a good way on this site that means they really good because i really dont pull any punches. like that friend i said i hungout with the other day & had so much fun with, Homie. we’re talkin’ right now we‘ve stayed up talking about deep shit. he’s such a good friend honestly i’m glad we’re friends *6/26/2019 update we're not talking because he ended up being an asshole but he's really sorry so i might forgive him i'm over it honestly, just felt like not responding*

day 7 may 15th 2019 8:38 pm

CAN HE STOP FUCKING ALWAYYS ASKING “WHERE ARE YOU GOING, WHERE ARE YOU GOING”???? ITS SO FUCKING IRRITATING UGH FUCKIN CONTROL FREAK LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. he knows how to ruin my mood in a fuckin instant jesus christ can you just not exist at all???? stupid nuisance

day 6 may 14th 2019 5:01 pm

okaaayyyy i'm pissed rn he's a dumbass cunt lol this is why i choose not to speak to him at all. fucking fragile dumbass

mother's day was nice we went thrift shopping again :0) i found a lot of cute clothes mostly from the guy section i love me some men tshirts n long sleeves so comfortable!!! also got me a super cute teddybear she's a dragon her name's purity i'll try & post a picture of her alongside summerball & julian some of my other teddybears.

uhhh last night i went over to... his house (idk what i should name him... hmmm... Surface bc he's so surface level literally where is his depth) uhhhhh it was whatever honestly he's dumb but basically i need contraception asap jesus christ. lmao i sound like such a heartless ho but well he's the only one i've been messing with & yeah it ain't mean nothin' at this point i'm just bored i'm not gonna see him again *watch me see him again. lmao. NOOOO taurus boys are my demise!)

i can be loving i can be caring but the times i've been loving & caring i've always been destroyed so for now it's just gonna be a nothing thing even though it's really empty-feeling. sigh. i do it because i feel alone y'know it kinda helps a little the feeling of loneliness supplied w/ temporary pleasure but of course temporary is temporary.

i'm not necessarily looking for someone to love & have them love me i've tried & they always end up breaking me down more than i already was not to sound all woe-is-me but it's the truth haha i don't think i can take anymore heartbreak at this point i don't know how i'm still here but in conclusion most people think i'm not worthy of love probably because im too real (sounds full of myself but thats just how i feel) i dont abide to these stupid set in stone standards of how i should be & i don't really seek it or need it or whatever but that's okay because all anyone will ever do is try to hurt you, break you, be higher than you, etc. people suck, if you're the one doing the hurting then people will stay to you like glue or whatever it baffles me how bad people want to be treated bad you know sometimes people just want to feel restrained & have reasons to feel hurt but then when someone good comes along they'll just break them i don't get it i don't fucking get it or maybe that's just my experience bc i'm ugly idk hahaha ugh i know this post is pathetic but THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS :)) you ain't gotta agree.

6:35 pm

everything really is so empty nowadays huh. hardly any human connection because we're so glued to our phones our technology & no i'm not trying to sound better than everyone else of course i'm one of everyone as well, here typing on this laptop my thoughts & feelings because of lack of human connection, playing video games to escape reality getting lost in it, watching stupid meaningless content on youtube you wanna know why we've fallen victim so easily down the escape route of technology, because everything we do is to help us forget about our inevitable doom our death. everything we do is to make us forget & try to create values & morals & rules & meaning of life when really it ain't matter as much anyway because we're all gonna die, not to sound grim just the reality of it. the other day i literally thought to myself, "why have i been so set on how i look, we're all gonna die + there's people dying right now & going through some serious unfair brutal shit, none of this even matters" & it's the fucking truth the only reason why most of us feel so insecure & care so much about how we look or are percieved is because of the way society has set it up for us before we was even born,, oh you know in order to be successful or valued you gotta be this this this this this this not that but this this this and this and that too if you wanna be known if you wanna be remembered if you wanna be adored if you wanna be special & important but guess fucking what none of this even matters why because we'll all be dead & forgotten eventually anyway

day 5 may 11th 2019 3:26 pm

i had some things to write yesterday but i was too tiredt. i went thrift shopping my mama took me after work i got some cute clothes :) theres a shirt thats hard for me to rock though i got that one last minute maybe ill return it ?

yesterday while i was at work my phone was dying so i wrote in a notepad i had instead. heres some writing from it:

”friday may 10th 2:25 pm

im trying to remember all the thoughts i had inside my head i wanted to write about at the time but theyre fuckin lost, im fuckin lost.

work has been good so far but my heads kinda hurting probably because of my 4 hrs of sleep. whatever im gonna enjoy this pizza.

did she even see or notice the way people would look at her? everyone has always adored her but she still needed more & more attention, validation, admiration. yet she still wanted to take take & have from me what she didnt. she already had everything i didnt yet she still fucking wanted it all. fuck was she thinkin, fuck was her problem?

i got about 10 min left but i wanna make it last.

this pizza aint come out the way it usually does. man, i was glowin‘ that day & she looked like a dark cloud. she aint sorry for any of it so why should i care why should i stay hurt.

men scare me you never what theyre capable of. women can be heartless as well, so territorial.

do any of these people even got anything goin’ on in their heads or are they not even real. if so i wonder what they’re thinking about

what if... fuck my thought/curiosity went away but it was good. spanish boys are my weakness & so are taurus’s. they turn into beasts in bed.

i think i just seen someone who doesnt seem like a filler he looked so lost so out of place. wonder what his deal is, i dont know. i cant see very well. my coworker

sigh

2:49 pm i just walked inside the bathroom to see an employee brushing her teeth. instantly i knew what was going on i made myself look okay then i told her to take care. she said thank you so firmly, “you too” like we understood each other in less than 10 words.

on my way back to work now wow writing while walking is so much fun why havent i thought of this before? i do need to work on my handwriting though, man its a mess im a mess! & im not sorry for it

this aint how ny writing usually looks i swear im just not trying

so sad to see those people standing alone in a busy street tryna sell some flowers. they looked so lost as well. im beginning to realize how fucking lost we all are.

what if something just fell down from the sky & knocked me dead?” 3:45 pm anyways i gotta go my breaks almost over. heres some reminders for myself on what to write about when im able to: coworker, vine, thriftshop, friend, M, nails, room

day 4 friday may 10th 2019 2:21 pm

im on my lunch break from work its been goin good so far but fuck my phones on 1% i forgot the charger this time. came to shakeys to have me a delicious garlic rustic chicken pizza.

day 3 thursday may 9th 2019 3:39 am

okay fuck i've been wanting to write in here since i was at work but i got lazy ok ok ok sooo

  • update 1 (work): 7890 WASN'T AT WORK OMG. he told me he'd be there at 10 he told me to make him some tea, but he wasn't there. what if he got fired for whatever reason???? they've fired people they just don't like before, what if it happeneddd oh nooo he was so cool! :( i really hope he was maybe put somewhere else temporarily or if they called him & said there was no point in going that day or or he called off or something... FUCK i really wanted to make him some delicious tea n have him enjoy it
  • update 2 (sexuality): ummm ok ok sooo i've been pretty submissive most of my life i've never explored my dominant side but it kinda just came out last night??? with the boy i wanted to talk to in my first post uhhh yeah it just kinda came out & i was so good at it & he loved it & it really turned me on i wanna slap his face & kiss him & slap him again. uhh uh this is really out of place for me i mean usually i'm the one being degraded or whatever but i think i just found something new that i like i guess i'm a switch now even though i've always seen myself as a strict sub i'm beginning to explore my sexuality even further & wow i surprise myself.
  • update 3 (stolen fucking camera i think): i think those bitches (bitch 1: someone i thought who was my friend. she was kicked out of her house *i wonder why* & called me. i let her stay at mine because i felt bad. she put me on the spot by bringing somebody else i didn't know, i felt like i couldn't just say no, she didn't have a place either i felt bad i know how it's like to be without a home. took advantage of my kindness. some of my things went missing which i'm pretty sure was most likely just bitch 2, she ain't know me. plus i accidentally caught bitch 2 talking shit about me,, how are u gonna talk down about me when you're the one staying under my roof, the fucking audacity of some people man some people really have no fucking respect, gratitude or even have any idea on how to act it's got me so fucked up) but bitch 1 still took advantage n put me on the spot n also became entitled with me & got me in some trouble.) stole my polaroid camera, well it was either them or bitch 3 who came for a few hrs then left why am i so stupid n nice this is why i don't even have friends anymore i trust nobody everyone just takes advantage, yeah yeah i can just turn into a stonecold asshole like everybody else but that ain't me. how do people sleep at night knowing they've fucked people over. nah nah i need to get over myself i'm being hypocritical maybe it's what i deserve i ain't so innocent & pure i've done my wrongs too. but the difference is i acknowledge my mistakes i have my regrets these fucking meaningless robots don't... i found out because i just got some film today for the polaroid i haven't used in ages n boom it's missing from the place i always have it. i mean i do tend to misplace my things maybe i'm just bitching about nothing but i feel like i would've found it by now.. BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE (my optimistim-seeking sagittarius sun shining through) that camera didn't really work it only took nice pictures in a room but the light settings wouldn't change ever since i got it. pictures would be blank outside in the sun. i'll just get a new one.
  • update 4 (summerball): mother bought me the cutest teddybear!! i decided it to be genderless & we chose the name "summerball". meaning behind the name: it's a white teddybear, we were trying to pick a name, i said snowball mother said she thought of summerball then snowball right when i said it, we stayed with summerball because it was funny it made us laugh. it's so cute!!! i love my mom so much she helped buy the film i'll pay her back for it i said i would but she also fed me & helped me buy a skirt which i also wanna show a picture of it's super cute maybe i'll finally start editing my "picz" page on here :) & helped me buy some makeup wipes as well got me my favorite snack sigh what would i do without her. she's one of the only people i got left. even tho she can be unstable sometimes. i still love her. but the instability kinda hurts because i can't really go to her with my depressing thoughts because it'll just break her. i just gotta shut up & listen to all what she has to say & be there for her. mentally, maturity & emotionally wise, with her i always felt like she was the little girl that i had to look out for, you know? i just have to stay strong for mother's sanity sake... but it's taken a toll on me. big reason why i made this site to begin with so i can let it all out on here instead of breaking the people i love even more than they already were. i hate to make things worse
  • update 5 (just some fucking rambling): i had a phone call with an online friend of mine, he's super cool to talk to he makes me laugh so much but the thing i hate about him is he kinda speaks for my mind??? example: he'll say something sexual out of the blue, i follow it with my awkward tense laugh (if you're gonna be sexual at least fucking build up to it or catch me on a good day) & he'll just say "you're just there laughing probably like "haha yeahh" like we're so comfortable with each other we'd just fuck each other anytime we want blah blah blah etc etc etc" like UHHH why are you speaking for me why are you saying it as if you're trying to implant what you're implying into my mind when it's not even true who said i was comfortable who said we would mess around whenever we wanted who even HINTED i was comfortable it just always sounds kinda like manipulation or just straight up... what's the word.... not in denial, but... full of shit??? like when they really believe what they're saying, just so stuck in their minds, their fantasies their perspective? THERE'S A WORD I'M LOOKING FOR BUT I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER WHAT IT IS UM... whatever you get the idea. but we did have a good conversation. he made me laugh SO much. i read & learned more about my birth chart. mostly accurate & honestly my lilith & chiron placement was way too spot on it kinda... hurt but also don't regret learning about
  • **side note i wanna say sorry to whoever's reading this that i talk about boys a lot (i'd like to talk about girls too but i ain't got much experience with any i've wanted a gf b4 but i've only kissed one n that was years ago uhhh most girls fuckin hate me!!! prolly cause i'm ugly lmao) but at the same time i'm not sorry because it's my site n if i wanna write whatever i think about then i shall it's just if this ain't ya cup of tea/coffee/choice of poison i suggest ya leave but if you're like me who enjoys reading blogs/virtual diaries & learning new things be my guest enjoy kinda getting to know me/my thoughts, a stranger! ew that sounded fuckin narcisstic i'm mostly using this as a form of therapy in a way bear with me also if you're in this deep you might as well sign my guestbook ;p lmao even more cheesy. whatever. love ya!

    7:08 am

    yes my sleep schedule is still a mess as u can see by the timestamps,, probably from all the caffeinated tea i hadddd to keep myself from blowing up. iiii'm not gonna post any pictures just yet bc 1. i hate myself n also i feel like it wouldn't be fun to give the way i look away at least not yet 2. i don't have any good pictures to put there yet i'd like to take some cool ones of shit i find sooo that's gonna wait for now but i do want to start editing "picz"

    anyways fuck i'm just now realizing i would actually have friends if i kept going to school like i fucking should but i've missed so much due to my sleep schedule & struggles w/ transportation,,, ugh i say that yet i am able to take a school bus it's mostly my messed up sleep schedule yes yes i know i'm not responsible whatever i'm scared to go it's been weeks i feel like it's too late to start going back now should i drop out, no i don't want to, but since that specific night happened like a week or two ago it knocked me back down into depression so now i'm just thinking what is the point of going to school i don't think i have time for it because i might have to get my own place might have to work more which good i don't like to be around him he is soul-draining n hell itself for me bUT i don't think i can do it on my own it's so expensive to just live n my moms unstable n the place she's staying at is unstable as well she might have to leave it soon then where will she go. why has it been the same since before why has nothing changed why can't i fucking help why won't i do anything sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh ugh i hate sounding so whiny i'd say i'm sorry but i guess this is the only place i can whine let me be i just you don't know all of it okay? probably sound like a dumb ass dramatic kid but hey my feelings are true therefore valid it's just all hard to explain okay okay okay????

    11:31 pm

    WOW I JUST GOT HOME I HAD SO MUCH FUN TODAY HAHAHAHA first of all work was a breeze, also oh my god fajfkdjfknms 7890 DID indeed GET FIRED.he only worked 3 days & then got fired. our manager (let's call him... Graph, short for graphene *the strongest material in the world that can stop a speeding bullet & never break) because he's one of the most strong people i know he's been through so much it's a shock he's still alive, he's a problem solver & plus he likes to draw us graphs to explain how much work we get done in a week/month to blow our minds, he's super cool) graph explained 7890 got fired because he was a compulsive liar, would show up on his off days even though he was told not to then act like he didn't know/no one told him (they informed him more than once),, he was also seen on camera mocking graph after graph told him what to do like this grown man really mocked him by imitating him in such a childish manner i-- i couldn't believe it i was in shock he seemed so cool but my other coworker *who's also super cool & fairly new we have good convos* let's call him... Inspir, so Inspir was also sayin' how he got those bullshit & suspicious vibes from him as well,,, wowowow it really fucked me up for a good minute it made me question EVERYTHING he most definitely lied about liking my favorite band as well no wonder he didn't know any of the song names he had to walk away then look them up then suddenly knew their album name & top song lmao it makes all sense now but damn dude what if he's actually a sociopath/psychopath i really fucking bought into it he even acted sympathetic when it came to what we were talking about like how he "couldn't sleep at night" working for a corrupt company in the past. it really messed with me & made me realize i need to be more aware & less trusting than i already am. i guess i just never see any reason to lie about stupid shit like that that i always baffles me when i see people be that way.... fuck. that maniac really fooled me.

    OKAY ANYWAYS work went by so fast everyone was talking a lot! after work my mama picked me up n took me to get food (which i just remembered i left at my friend's house oof *yes a friend omg i hung out with one of my only friends i feel so happy it was so fun) let's call this friend HOMIE. sooo Homie hit me up since his parents are gone & his cool aunt was watching him i can go over *his parents are super strict n religious i feel so bad how restrained he is most of the time. but he's definitely a rebel which i love about it i can relate so much i can't even imagine how it's like they literally took off his door* i asked my mother, checked his address, saw how close he was, we dropped off the dogs & then she took me. just got home a few minutes ago. it was so fun! we played smash bros on his switch, listened to music & smoked. WE LAUGHED SO MUCH we was joking around so hard! he's super chill he can be a dick without meaning to BUT i know that ain't his intentions & honestly we got along SO well we tell each other all about the other ppl in our lives. it's super cool. he was pretty down since his gf *of a week* lead him on, flirted, & then out of the blue told him she was asexual. his way of copin with it? making jokes the whole time, and it was honestly hilarious. NO HATE TO ASEXUALS. i explained it's not her fault she's asexual BUT it was messed up to kinda lead him on without telling him first at least before they got together ya know. i broke it off for him because he would've been an asshole LMAO i worded it nicely *somewhere along the lines of,, "i really like u & ur so fine (tryna sound like him) but i just think because of our difference in our preferences it's not gonna work out & we should just stay friends before any of us get hurt" she said she felt the same way n no feelings got hurt (well except for Homie's disappointment...) HE WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING LIKE "bUt iF yOu stOp bEiNg AsExUaL hIt mE uP",, "yEaH nO I wAnT a dIcK sUcKiNg OnCe iN A whIlE" I WAS LIKE NO!!! LET!! ME!! MESSAGE THE POOR GIRL LMAOOOO we did stay joking around though. so much funnn

    FUCK I go in tomorrow at 10 instead of the usual 3 which means i gotta get my sleep i can't be staying up til 8 in the fuckin AM like i've been doing these past couple days!! what's wrong with me?

    my mom really gave me these COOKIES N CREAM rice krispies n thEY GOOD thanks mom & also thank u for taking me home <3

    day 2 wednesday may 8th 2019 12:05AM

    i ended up going home mother went home as well. i hate my face so much it's hideous it's hideous why do i look so weird & disproportionate & ugly, well i know the answer to that i'm just too embarassed to talk about it even on here. people always call me pretty online but it's because i know how to take good pictures i bet in real life i'm such an eyesore to everyone around me who can see me at all of my mostly horrible angles. i need braces & a nose job & a facelift or something. like my body isn't perfect either but i really feel like hating your face is worse than hating your body. you still see cute ass faces on those who are "overweight", what if i'm chubby AND ugly on the face. seriously i really feel like this is why i have no real friends or any actual connection with someone & the ones i did have before i cut off because they would insult me. it's hard to be charming & liked when you're just unattractive. it fucking sucks. & even other unattractive people still have high standards & think they're too good no one wants me lmao yeah yeah being loved ain't everything i guess but at the same time it kinda is. everyone i've ever known has mistreated me and it really makes me think maybe it's because i'm just a monstrosity undeserving of any love or affection. thanks family

    3:35 am

    he makes me feel suffocated i can't fucking breathe here. i just wanna leave this place not just this place but this whole odd space we all stay at. lately i can't stop thinking about whether or not all of this is even real it really messes with me. how'd we even get here? seriously, try to make it all make sense without sounding like a fucking mad man. first of all we're on a floating rock how'd that even happen, but i'll skip that. we're all looking & searching & surfing through somethin' called a website belonging to a place called the internet how the fuck did anyone even come up with this place who set the rules who found the rules who cracked the code & HOW anyway, i'm pretty sure there's a plain answer but HOW DID ANYONE FIGURE IT OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE WHO THE FUCK EVER SAID "IF YOU DO THIS, THAT HAPPENS" WHO SET THIS WORLD'S RULES. and you could really think about this with ANYTHING. even trees. you'd be like, "well they're just trees, what do you mean?" well what the fuck even is a tree you know? it only makes sense & seems so simple to us because of all of the rules that were set already in life but what the FUCK even is life, why do we have dreams, what even are dreams? we're able to open a door & enter inside a moving object to take us places yes i'm talking about cars. now you might be accustomed to automobiles but if you overthink it all it just seems crazy & impossible at least to me. what if this is all a dream. what if this is all not real i mean it just baffles my mind to think about how specific and fucking weird this place is. i'm not sorry for how i feel. it drives me crazy though

    how much longer can i take of this suffering hell until i snap. seriously ever since i read a story about how there is no hell to go to because we're already there (story goes like this: lucifer was actually a girl, god's best angel of course but questioned god's way of being which turned them all against her, god creates prototype humans but gives them no free will because he didn't want them to be so powerful, lucy ends up tempting the prototypes with a snake; she didn't make them eat the apple she merely tempted them & when they went for it they unlocked freewill so god kicked her out of heaven down to earth where she's in control now (which would explain why god left us he ain't wanna deal with us) she has the ability to turn earth into a utopia but she chose to do literally NOTHING. which further explains there is no hell to go to, where we already at is hell; but she had no part in it which means all of the fucked up shit going on this world was purely our doing. of course it was merely just a story but it still makes me think alot.) it's been all i think about lately because it makes sense to me, it's been hell since the beginning. let's say a happy person is reading this & thinks it's all bullshit; life can be good. well here's one, have you ever met somebody who wasn't broken in SOME way??? if you say you haven't you might just not know it. haven't you ever been broken? helpless? bad happens to all of us usually the best of us we ain't deserve it so why's it still happening? maybe because this IS hell, what if reincarnation exists & we're just stuck in a cycle of pain & suffering in our life until we die & it starts all over again it's neve ending just like hell, just like the story said, only WE can make a change but all we did was make it worse. & maybe bad things don't happen because of the devil maybe this really was purely all of our doing as humans. we are a disease & deserve nothing all anyone ever seems to seek is to exploit one another one way or another

    don't worry i won't snap i won't hurt anyone i'd end up just hurting myself. i've been up cleaning my room just like i've been wanting to but what if it's for nothing. what if this is all for nothing?

    4:16 AM

    i feel like i should give the people i talk about names... alright i'm thinking about the new guy from work again. let's call him... 7890.

    fuck i'm just remembering how hot it was the way he told me to make him tea tomorrow. he didn't ask, he ain't say "can you.." he ain't say please, he demanded it.

    i was explaining to him which tea was my favorite to make because it tastes really good (which is a combination of two teas) + vanilla almond milk + ice. he ain't try them yet. but i was xplainin' to him how good it is.

    7890: "you come in tomorrow at 3, right?"

    me: "yeah, what about you?"

    7890:"10."

    me: "oh, okay cool"

    7890:"tomorrow, when you come in.. make me some."

    all i could do was smile & say i will. but it lowkey really turned me on & it's turning me on right now. fuck. i might be too young for him.. but something about him has got me attracted. i sensed his need for dominance the first day i met him which was i believe last saturday.

    in conclusion.. he can get it??? maybe?????? i don't know it's just a fantasy for now i guess but i wouldn't want to cause tension in the workplace.... even though.. that sounds, pretty hot... nonono FUCK I'M TOO YOUNG FOR HIM!! even once december comes by i know if we ever were to be involved, if the rest of my job ever found out they'd be really weirded out, he's literally friends with my boss, they'd probably end up firing him, they see me as a little girl... fucking hell. fuck me for playing so innocent it's what i get i guess.

    2:53 pm

    im on my way to work i wish both of these earphones worked so i can completely drown out the sounds of his existence but one’s popped... i bought some new ones the other day i dont know where they went. i did my makeup more today because i felt ugly. i usually color my top lip a pretty light brown, then color my bottom lip with a red then wipe the red off because it tints my lips a nice rosy pink. but when i put red on the bottom this time it looked so pretty. i looked sexy but of course i wiped it off because i didnt want to look like im asking for attention. i didnt want to look like a ”whore”, no shade at these so called ”whores” i hate slutshaming i hate society’s internalized misogyny its literally a color all it does is makes us feel pretty cant we just leave it at that.

    day 1 tuesday may 7th 2019 3:34AM

    i can't fucking stand him even the sound of his blowdryer gets me pissed off when it shouldn't i just can't help it he's so dumb & irritating. oh no i just had a flashback of an old lover i used to have & how he had wrote me a whole txt file filled with feelings.... i wonder how he's doing but our last call from a few years back ain't go so well, oh well

    whatever that was years ago it's irrelevant why am i writing about it? i haven't even thought of them in so long- watch them pop up out of nowhere. it's crazy how everytime something pops up into my mind i seem to attract it torwards me. it always happens it's been happening for years. minds are so powerful

    i should really sleep but i can't. i've been up all night, creating this. i'm pretty new to all of this, but i think i'm getting the hang of it

    i have work tomorrow, i think, they ain't reply. sometimes when i'm at work i feel like i'm in a shitty sitcom my boss is ridiculous

    i wanna take pictures of what i find on my adventures i wanna display them on here

    shit his voice is so hot i miss hearing him call me things. but he said "i can't" today. i don't think it was cause he couldn't i think it was just cause he ain't feel like it but that's okay. i know the way he is he don't like clingy, i'm the same way. it's how i know how to give him his space. but jeez he's like the only one i wouldn't mind clinging on to me... okay, maybe. what can i say i hate neediness

    i just heard a cat scream, poor kitty

    7:01 am

    jesuschrist i still can't fucking sleep!!! man, fuck insomnia & depression. my room's such a mess but ever since i've been back home i just have no motivation to do anything. i WANT to clean i WANT to succeed & take care of myself & be a normal functioning human being but what do you do when you feel so... unable? i don't know, just stuck. always stuck, on pause, behind.. i'm tired of it.

    also, i just got my first follower on here! "uncreationist". just realized they were the first account i followed as well! i'd have replied if i could've, gotta wait a week for being new. thank you for the post on my page, i appreciate it it means a lot to me someone is liking my writing so far :0) your site is awesome & so is your writing, both very creative & nice to explore.

    i'm getting really bored of instagram (like the only social media i use) i might just leave it. i'm fairly new here but i'm already liking this community way better, seriously. i've spent a few hours on here, went back to ig & was instantly irritated by stupid, meaningless comments i saw on the top page. plus it ain't good for ya self esteem. main reason i have it is because i wanted to share my creations but i got this now, only reason now is for the few friends i message on there (who are mostly online). but, i don't know. i just don't care for it anymore.

    2:18 pm

    i fell asleep around 8 am. just got out the shower, got work in an hour. it's cool, it's only a few hours. better than being in my room all day to be honest. i just really wanna clean my room, though believe it or not i don't like being a mess i just am. i'm listening to the strokes right now; their comedown machine album. "call it fate, call it karma", such a good song. sometimes i don't know what i'd do without music i usually need it playing in my ears full blast so i can calm myself down from being pissed. i used to always hear people say "*band/artist* saved my life" when i was younger i never really understood that, how can a musical group save your life? but then i found the strokes. their music really helped me survive some of the worst years of my life which was middle school when i lived with all of my family. i probably wouldn't be here still if it weren't for them. i love them so much. thank you, jules i love you so much.

    i guess i should go now. see y'all in a jiffy

    8:50 pm

    i got outta work about 3 hrs ago. i’m really starting to like my new coworker he seems so cool. he likes one of my all top fave bands (the voidz) & i hardly meet anyone who likes them as well.he gave off strong leo or aries vibes but hes actually a cancer, what a surprise. my first impression of him was that he was maybe a rude careless asshole, but the ones who are hilarious & laidback (even though i for some reason got the impression he's an asshole i didnt hate him, since we liked the same band, plus something about him is attractive) but talking with him he actually seems pretty caring !! n smart. i feel like weve been getting along pretty good which is nice considering the rude bitch at my job really annoys me. he told me to make him some tea tomorrow. i so will

    im currently sitting in mother’s car outside my house, shes resting. i just heard a teenage boy say “i love you“ so casually to the person they knew, getting in the car & driving away. it made us smile n laugh, so cute. we’re the same way. we cant say bye without saying i love you. depending on who someone is, itll either be something common or something offputting

    mother always needs my constant attention when telling me a story. like im looking out the window but im stilling listening to you. i love her so much but i’ll just never understand people who need constant attention, no shade though she’s sweet

    oh yeah my coworker the one i like, he also made a comment on my singing. i tend to work with earphones in, loud, playing my favorite albums & singing along at times. he asked if ive had voice training i said no he laughed & i asked why, he said because it sounds like i have. which is a nice compliment given ive always loved to sing ive sung nearly all my life i guess my practice was just trying to imitate my idols’ voices & i guess i got decent. i would love to make music someday i just know nothing of instruments but i’ve got my voice iguess

    at work and after work when i went to go out with her to have a bite (chinese food) i had so many thoughts in my mind so much i wanted to write about but now i’ve just gone blank... alls i know thats been on my mind lately is i need to start trying , i need to try harder im so behind, im always behind i dont want to get left behind. when i tried i actually had good things happen to me, like my job, which i love actually i love my job because its one of the only things right now that makes me feel normal the only times i dread it is when my sleep schedule goes back to horrible like its always been & im too tired (but then i make tea to help with energy, its the *getting ready & going to work* my laziness despises & also when the rude bitch is there but other than that i am sooo grateful for my job its really good what the company stands for we help people & also it aint hard at all , can get tiring at the most but really i feel so lucky

    i stillll have shit to doooo i should gooo & clean my roooom but instead im sitting here in the passenger as my mother rests i dont know what to doooo. i hate getting home i hate him

    sometimes my mind tends to blank out & escape reality & go to another dimension when someone is talking or explaining something to me like my thoughts just black everyone out sometimes maybe i lied about always listening

    man i really need to try harder in this life. i want to be okay

    i am so tired & a big part of me wants to go inside but i dont wanna leave her by herself but im really in need of isolation time